Expert: Druideck - 8/8/2010

Question
My boyfriend of 3 years has been sober for 13 months.  It has been tough and very much a roller coaster as his behaviours were very up and down and he was still very angry and blaming me for everything.  The last few weeks he seemed a lot better and the guy I fell in love with was back.  We have had a lovely few weeks and I thought he was finally getting there.  Then last night I found out he started drinking again.  I am devastated!  Why would he do this after doing so well.  He was getting his life back on track, he's got savings in the bank, he was doing great in his voluntary job and was going to start paid work, he is in really nice supported accommodation and our relationship was improving.  Now he will be kicked out of his supported accommodation, and lose everything he has built up over the last 13 months.  He is a binge alcoholic and will drink now and won't stop until he nearly dies.  I have had to leave him to it because I can't take going through this again and I know there is nothing I can do, but I am worried sick about him.  Why, after his life doing so well, would he do this?  He has all his friends from AA supporting each other all the time, I can't understand why he didn't talk to them if he was going to drink.  I'm so scared for him.  

Answer
Stef,

Often relapse happens because of two things.
One is he has not deeply accepted the fact
that he is an alcoholic and must abstain from
alcohol to stay well. He may still believe he
can control it's use which he cannot.

The second reason is internal stress caused
by his inability to cope when sober.
This is where the AA "program" comes in.
Only abstinence from alcohol and diligent work
on each of AA's twelve-step program can
keep one sober daily.

He must come to terms with the fact
that drinking is not for him.
If he drinks it will alter his thought patterns
and it will be very difficult to stop again.

He only needs to resume his AA meetings
more regularly and start working
on the twelve step program to regain his
sobriety.

There is no need for guilt when one fails,
we are human and we are not perfect.
We only have to pick up the tools AA
has given us and start again.

You may have to let him sort this out as
the pain will teach him what he needs to know.

Relapse can occur and it may mean he has to
give up all excuses and do whatever
he has to do in giving up his
anger and resentments.
Resentment blocks our way to recovery.
It creates so much inner turmoil that
we go to alcohol hoping for relief.
Alcohol makes things worse but
we have old memories of it feeling good.

It takes time and working the twelve steps
to recover our thinking so we let go
of alcoholic thoughts.

He has the knowledge he needs to recover.
He knows about AA and he knows there
are steps to follow.
If he starts over that is great,
if not, it may take some more time
and pain to bring him back to good senses.

If you interact with him just encourage him
to return to AA. Give support only
when he choses recovery.
Let go if he decides to keep drinking.

Any questions?
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