Expert: Beverley Glazer - 8/10/2010

Question
i have been with my partner for 3 years and although my children are from a previous relationship he has been their father in every since of the word.  since i meet him he has always liked a good drink (socially) but over the past year it has got progressively worst.  he drinks monday - Friday about 10 cans of cider a day because he works driving motor cycles he limits it!, and at the weekend he can drink anything from 30 cans and a few bottles of wine a day too 3 bottles of vodka.  i spoke to him about his drinking a few months ago as he has became aggressive whilst drunk, he has never raised a hand to me or the children and i don't believe he ever would, but i now cant leave him alone with the kids as if he get "too stressed" he screams at them, locks them out in the garden, slams doors in their face ( they are 5 year old twin boys), he tells me in disgusting, he cant bear to look at me, a cheat, a whore etc he demands money for alcohol (which i don't give him as i feel it is encouraging it, but this enrages him even more) and basically turns into a monster when drink i recently moved out of our home because i don't want my children to be around this and i feel my own self esteem slipping away he has admitted too having a problem with alcohol and promises too change/cut back but he never does, he seems to believe that if he says sorry and tells me he loves me i should forgive his verbal abuse.  since leaving our home (only a week ago) i feel really guilty, as i do love him and when he is sober he is fantastic its only the drunk side i don't like.  what if anything can i do to help him to save my family? we are meant to be going on holiday next month but I'm dreading it as i don't know what to expect, my children are very excited about going away and i don't have the heart to tell them we cant go but as we are going with my partners family i cant not go with him.  can you please point me in the right direction as I'm so confused
thank you

Answer
Hi Beth,

Your partner said that he loves you and he probably does, but neither  you nor your children should live in an abusive environment. Of course you feel guilty for what you've had to do, but be assured that you did the right thing. You'll have to protect both yourself and your children and you should not go back to living with him unless he gets help.

Tell him to go to AA or do what ever it takes to stop his addiction, because you do not intend to live with abuse.

Because you are living apart, and about to go on the family holiday, disclosed this problem to his parents. The more people who know of the problem, the more pressure you're putting on him to change. If you don't, you're enabling him. Here is more information on that:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

Your partner will angry but that's his problem, not yours. Pressure is the only way he'll change.

If his family is aware of what's going on and you feel that you will be safe, you and the children can go on the vacation. If not do not go. The children may be disappointed, but it's better in the long run than putting yourself at risk.

Go to Al-Anon meetings in your community and make friends with members in similar situations. You'll not only get information but they'll be particularly helpful when the going gets rough.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking Allexperts

all the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com