Expert: Clyde - 8/4/2010

Question
QUESTION: hello...

My husband is just a few weeks into his AA program...he goes to meetings and I am so proud of him (and I let him know this) We've been married almost 10 years and he's been an alcoholic since day one..(he started at I think 16)..anyway...my marriage is about at the end...he won't talk to me look at me when I try to talk to him he gets angry and tells me I'm driving him to drink..(he doesn't drink just say's it)...he says he is just trying to deal with all the anger he has towards me becuase of everything he put up with over the years...I know I was not a perfect wife but I never verbally hurt him or cheated on him...He is making ammends with everyone around him (his family etc) except me...I try to be sweet and just have a "about nothing chat" but he just stares at the computer or TV and gives me one word answers...I honestly don't know how long I can live like this...I love him and have started back in my Alanon program and will be working on me...but just feel his has completely pushed me away and wants nothing to do with me...I just dont understand...right before he went into aa it was going so good, we were working on us and our marriage finally...we put God first and us right after...now he just say's he can't work on us, he needs to just work on him.  But a am afraid that will end our marriage...what do I do??  Please help me...I love him and we have young kids together...

I don't want to lose our family...

ANSWER: Abby,
   Thank you for your story and for your questions.  I can sense your fear and your deep feelings about your care for your husband.  I answered another question a day or so ago and you may want to read it as well.  It has to do with "misplaced" and "ill-timed" amends in the AA program of 12 steps.  A few weeks in the program is no time to even be considering amends.  That comes in step 8 and 9, way down the road.  I do not know, of course, his true commitment to the program and some people are able to pour themselves into the program and move quite quickly. I, for one, was gifted to have been able to do this very thing.  But I would suggest there was a marked difference in my take on life as a sober person  as opposed to your husband's demeanor in sobriety.

   On the amends, if he is making any they are more superficial at this time in his recovery.  Amends with you will not be possible until he has done some serious soul-searching and completed a thorough step 4 and step 5.

   You must realize that he is discovering who he really is.  He became lost from himself at the young age of 16 and it will take time for him to make that full discovery.  It will take a life time in fact but that is not bad - it is grand and he is in for a tremendous ride of a life time if he will embrace the grace God gives him to stay sober and become who he was meant to be.

   His anger towards you is more than likely a deep-seated self-hatred and he projects that onto the one closest to him to deflect the pain of looking at himself.  This is not about you - it is all about him.  And that is the way it needs to be and should be at this time.  

    As you watch his progress you are going to be interested to know all he is finding out but it is not for you to tell him when to share - it is for you to wait and support and allow him room.  The sad truth for you is this - you nor your husband knows what God has in store for him.  The marriage may not work out.  My first wife told me she did not like me as a sober person and she wanted the "old Clyde" back.  I had to tell her that he was dead and I did not want to have him resurrected.  She left me at two years sober. Now 16+ years later, I have been through many heartbreaks but I still am happy and thankful that God showed me who I am - and he shows me more every day!

    I do not mean to give bad news, I mean to share that he is on a remarkable road.  Let him alone for a while and just tell him you love him and you will support him no matter what.

    Get a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and read the chapters "The Family Afterward" and "To Wives."  It will open your eyes to the world he has entered.  I pray you will enter that world with him the best you can and Alanon is the doorway to do that.

    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for this wonderful and quick response...just two quick questions...do I just sit back and not share how I feel so I don't anger him more...?  Also...he quit his job and I stay at home...he currently isn't looking for anything just says he needs a break...I have handed it over to God and take it an hour at a time...I'm just lost and I know I just need to pray and see what god had planned...I just am so confused on what to do...my kids are suffering watching the way my husband interacts with me...my 7 year old is asking questions I don't konw how to answer...

Answer
Abby,
   Thank you for your questions.  I want you to consider getting on the internet and going to this site: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
 
   This is an on-line pdf of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Read the chapters I suggested, To Wives and The Family Afterward.  This will give you tremendous insight into the things he is probably feeling and thinking.  Then, send me a follow up question and let me know what other questions you still might have.  Do not hesitate to send me messages as you learn more about how to understand this thing called alcoholism.

  I hope this may have helped.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde