Expert: Druideck - 8/30/2010

Question
Dru,
My wife of 11 yrs has finally served me with divorce papers.  She has transformed before my eyes into someone who changes her personality after a few drinks.  She has a lot of support from her friends who are all partying to and are going thru divorces.  I can't seem to get thru to her even when it comes to our 2 boys ages 9 and 5.  We go to court soon because she wants immediate relief and I have some documentation and I'm truly afraid for my boys lifes. She doesn't seem to care how much their subjected to and uses them llike pawns in a game.  I need some advice I am shattered inside!  

Answer
Brian,

I know it is difficult when a relationship
ends for whatever reasons. It is a time
of many mixed emotions, disbelief, denial,
anger, bargaining and sadness to name a few.

Often during a breakup it seems like
if only the other person would change
everything would be okay. This is not
usually the case. Often many things
occcur before the final crunch which ends
in divorce.

The first priority should be the children's
well being. Usually the courts will
settle this in some way or another.

Often the pushing and pulling done by
parents during a break up does more harm
than good. If you have legal means to find
her unfit then you should pursue that.
If not, think of the children's needs
for safety, security and love as
their parents find their own ways
through all this.

The time to intervene is if you have any
real proof of her mistreatment of the children.
You may have to examine your motivations
and intensions as to what you do or say
while in this highly emotional state.

Do you just want to control her or possibly
you feel hurt and want to strike back somehow?
Often relationships just do not work as
people change from addictions or other reasons.
It takes time to heal and move on in your
present circumstances. Sometimes our thoughts
or minds work overtime trying to figure
it all out or manipulate a change in another
person. This doesn't work as the only one
we can try to change is ourself. That
is even a very big job.

If you need to express your hurt feelings
find a good friend or a counsellor.
Try to calm your spirit
by stilling your mind and letting go of
the thoughts that keep you upset.

Unless there is danger try to let go a little
bit, perhaps you are used to being in control
as she was becoming less responsible.

Do what has to be done each day, legally
and otherwise. Sometimes things are meant to
change to open the door to better things
for all of you. It may look bleak now
but all things do pass and on the other
side lies acceptance and peace.

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