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Addiction to Alcohol/Your advice to Steve, 2004.

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Expert: - 9/24/2010


Question
Thank you, I've re-read your answer several times. After 20
years, I too am at THAT threshold. I've done Al-Anon and my wife has done AA plus two treatment plans. We've lost
thousands. I've finally made the decision to remove the gangrene. It IS difficult, I (and we) have never had children and I am entering my senior years. I've always kept her money separate so she will not be destitute. However, I'm afraid it will soon be gone with the direction she has chosen. You are right, I already feel
guilty although I realize I must save myself. I feel so
powerless, it's like watching the death of a close one.
Once again, thank you for your insight and candid observations. Please email me back if you are still in this, I can do with a little support.         Bernie

Answer
Hi Bernie,

Thanks for saying hi -- I am glad my writing was able to offer you some comfort.

I sense that you might want reinforcement versus feedback about what you want or should do. It has been my experience that getting reinforcement of what you're thinking is as important as getting support over what you might need to do.

When I read what I wrote in 2004 I don't know if my feedback would be any different today. What comes up for me is a reminder of how I want to spend my time. While I think the mention of 'life's too short' is somewhat glib, I sense that it's also appropriate. I sense that you have to decide if what's happening now is how you want to spend your time. I bet you already know what you want.

Some people you might talk to would suggest that you're enabling your wife. I have done this work long enough to know that the conventional thoughts around enabling is short sighted. I doubt that you're giving her alcohol, drinking around her, encouraging her to drink or buying her alcohol. The reality is that we're simply not powerful.

It seems to me that alcoholism is one of the most selfish things someone can do to their family. Had your wife not been to treatment my feedback might be different.,,,however, she's been to treatment and knows the deal. It has been my experience that recovery starts when you have a sense of what you say and do affects other people. It seems that your wife isn't at this point.

People are complicated. While I can see that your wife has caused great pain, I can also see that you care for her. I know that you'd never stay with her and endure her behavior if you weren't concerned.

If you're looking for reinforcement I want to invite you to take a step back and make a decision to leave, and then focus on how you leaving might be a way to give your wife a wake-up-call.

Whatever you decide to do..I hope you take time for you and find some support for yourself, be that a mentor, a support group, a community of faith or time for self-care.

You are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out.



be well.

Todd  

Addiction to Alcohol

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Todd

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I sense it's important to let you know (upfront) that I don't have a 12-step orientation. I also want to let you know that this system won't allow us to make paragraphs, so I am using ** to separate my thoughts into paragraphs I can answer questions related to getting/staying sober, queries related to support for loved ones, questions on support groups, relapse prevention, communication skills, alcohol and drug pharmacology, spirituality, and finding ways to increase joy within sobriety. I see sobriety as a skill, understand that recovery looks different for everybody, and encourage people to find a sobriety mentor. **It has been my experience that in 12-step groups many people are seen to fail under the guise of a lack of willingness. When I used to attend meetings I'd see many people who were shamed and bullied over various medications they needed to take...telling people they can't take various medications is akin to playing God. I have yet to understand how taking MH meds is any different than taking any other medication which you need to thrive and support your health. **As there is so much shame, stigma, myths, and misinformation in this culture around CD (many of my clients will tell you that it is easier to be mentally ill than it is to have any sort of chemical dependency issue - in some way people are seen to be able to control their alcohol/drug using behaviors..not so with mental illness) folks first need to come to a place where they move beyond the stigma they internalize. **There is a term in social psychology called 'introjection'.....that is, when this culture views something in a certain way, we take on the facets of that stereotype...think about CD or folks who are gay/lesbian...this culture views these things in a negative way...we internalize this and feel poorly as a result.....as a mentor said, our culture fails gravely at being humane

Experience

I've been working in the field of addictions for nearly 27 years, within the inpatient and outpatient setting, as well as working in the Department of Corrections, the Director of Counseling for a large chemical dependency hospital, to where I'm currently employed doing in-home mental health and chemical dependency engagement with (mostly) seniors. I also have a contract gig running the entire CD program for a long-term transitional program to support people to overcome homelessness. As I've been doing this work for many years I am currently teaching a college class: intro to chemical dependency. It's been neat to see my students 'get it' and understand that they can have a huge impact on people and how they navigate their recovery. I've been sober for over 29 years and have a sense of what is required to maintain long-term sobriety and abstinence, and engage lasting change. **I am a huge fan of various anti-craving medications. In some recovery circles this is taboo, however, it's been my experience that there is no reward for suffering. **I also understand that as recovery looks different for everybody, perhaps someone's program could be riding a bike, spending time with family, doing yoga, swimming, writing in a journal, spending time with friends, therapy, playing with a pet, reading spiritual literature, etc....it seems to me that many paths have merit.

Organizations
National/state organizations relative to chemical dependency and addictive disorders.

Publications
http://www.askanaddictioncounselor.com

Education/Credentials
Degree/certification as a chemical dependency counselor, and state certification as an addiction professional.I'm working towards further graduate studies in clinical psychopharmacology.

Awards and Honors
Last year I was invited to do a five-hour presentation on various facets of addictive disorders as a very large behavioral health hospital. I was somewhat resistant as I was a bit nervous to speak in front of 2000 people. I had no idea my approach would be so welcome. I sense that it's hard to remember how much we know.

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