Expert: Clyde - 9/29/2010

Question
I told my husband of 25 years i wanted out as I would not watch him destroy himself any longer.  He moved out and I told him I loved him but I wouldn't chase him or tell him what to do any longer.  We basically didn't speak for two months and he only called because he was running out of money.  Then he told me he had moved on and that he still loved me but had met someone else.  I asked him to get all his stuff out within a week. Now he seem so angry and told me he has wished for two years that I wish you would have died in a car accident.  I never said a word...just walked away now it has been 3 weeks and he hasn't called his sons either.  I honestly expected an apology.  Is he as happy as he tells me and if so what is the anger all about.  I have left him alone..no begging ...no controlling ..no fixing... I just dont want to talk to him.  I feel anger and sad but what the hell is he feeling????

Answer
Marrie,
   Thank you for your questions and I am sorry that this has been such an ordeal for you.  Alcoholism is a disease - it is not a moral issue. He is not doing something immoral by drinking - he is running from life.
   
    The alcoholic does not know this consciously.  They know it subconsciously for they find escapes from all the issues of life which either scare them or take them to places emotionally they can not or will not go.  Your husband has been running and he will either be the one who dies in a car wreck or get sober.

    His comment to you is really a wake up call to himself - he probably subconsciously wishes it were he who were killed in an accident.  That way life would be over and he would not have to run any longer.  But he is too scared to commit suicide either.  He would not be able to drink if he did.

   He will either find himself dead or sober.  He has to do this thing on his own and it may not go where you would have it.  The extramarital affair is a way to escape.  You can not stop that behavior.

   As much as it hurts to see someone self-destruct and devastate the family and those they love, it may take just that for him to see the truth.  This thing of alcohol in his life is not about you - it is about him.  He projected his self-hatred on you and until he is willing to look at himself he is going to get worse.

   You can do one thing for him - pray for his safety and his willingness to get to a place where he will wake up.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde