Expert: Druideck - 9/7/2010

Question
I am in a choir at a University and I have 2 friends that have really attached themselves to me.  One is a "dry" alcoholic (as far as I know) and he is driving me nuts with the neediness and constantly asking of favors.  He no longer drives, probably due to all the DUI's, and is constantly bumming rides and asking me to take him to places.  He calls me horrible names all in a "joking" manner.  He emails me all the time and frankly I am sick of the whole thing.  I would normally just shut a person like that out of my life - I know that makes me sound like a horrible person - but I still have to seem him frequently in choir and don't want any backlash or an uncomfortable situation.  We have no control over where we stand in this choir.  I don't know what to do -
My other friend in the choir is married to an alcholic and I'm beginning to think she is as well.  I also suspect bipolar disorder.  She is always in crises mode and instead of holding a normal conversation with me, will bump into me over and over and say really weird stuff.  She really likes me and I feel bad for her.  I have the same problem with her because I don't want the negative reactions since I have to see her several times a week in choir, etc.  I've worked in the mental health field myself and have had to "cut off" certain people due to harrassment issues, etc.  I don't want to be a mean person, but sometimes it feels like I have to be very firm and very "in your face" to get them to stop harrassing me. These are short-lived, casual relationships to begin with or I would take more action to get them help.  What do I do?
What do I do?  

Answer
Andrea,

I sense your desire to be "nice" to these
people but sometimes it is nicer to
set healthy boundaries for others.
People often treat us the way they do
because they sense we will put up with them.

I know it is not easy or comfortable
to change the way you respond to them.
It takes years of practise to get
used to saying "NO" when you need to.

If your friends or associates are alcoholics
then they have an illness which makes
them behave very selfishly or self-centered.
This means they do not have much empathy
or the ability to feel what you might be
feeling as a result of their behaviours.

It is not mean to be honest and tell someone
that you do not like the way they talk to you
or when they treat you badly.
If they react badly then that is their
problem and says more about them than you.

I would suggest writing down your feelings
and then having a look at what you wrote
to narrow down what is happening inside you.
Often when we deal with inner conflicts we
will no longer attract people into our life
that want to use us or hurt us.

Perhaps you need to examine why you feel
hurt and is it because you seek their
approval or because you expect something
from them they are not able to give
at this point in their lives.

The less we demand from others the better
we feel. We are not so disappointed then.
We cannot change other people but we
can start treating ourself better.
This will often have the effect of
making others treat us better too.

If they start to sense that you
are as good to youself as you are
to them they may not be so quick
to act badly around you.

If you feel a need to be needed by others
this can result in letting them get
away with too much.

Set some rules for them and decide to
stick up for yourself if they cross that
line. If they seem hurt let them feel that.
You do not need to fix how they feel.
Just be honest and gentle in your
responses but also be serious.

Self respect is always reflected back to you.
Look inside yourself and see if you
are allowing disrespect to be okay at some
level. You should always be gentle with
yourself and then people will reflect that
to you. If you accept too much bad behaviour from others
it shows a lack of self-esteem.

They will either change or go away as you
work on expecting more from them.
Stand tall and be loving but also allow inner love
for yourself to be equal.

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