Expert: Clyde - 1/11/2011

Question
Clyde, I am writing because you say you were a former alcoholic and I need your expertise in handling this man.  He is a 57 year old professional with stage 4 cirrhosis.  I am not familiar with dealing with an alcoholic.  He is functioning, trying to stop, wanting medical help, and then pushes me away and avoids me.  It is so hurtful.  He goes from "I want to be well" to "I have to have a glass of wine, it's New Year's Eve." He has all the classic signs that I have read. And, as you have heard so many times before, charming and wonderful when sober. Please tell me why he pushes me away when I am the only kind thing in his life and won't call, etc. He has told me I am the only one who cares about him, and I see no one else really does.  When he isolates himself, what should I do?  Leave him alone in his misery or do a well being check?  It seems he is pushing me away so he doesn't hurt me any more, not because he wants me to go. If I didn't love him, I would be gone.  Any advice will be appreciated.  Thank you so much.

Answer
Dear Jan
  Thank you for your questions.  The crux of the problem for the still suffering alcoholic is that they have something within them that they are unwilling to give up to become sober.  In VERY VERY RARE cases this is simply the love of drinking.  In 99.99% of others there is some deep fear or hurt or experience in early formative years that they cannot face.  It has wielded much power over them and breaking the hold is too much - even dying of cirrhosis will not be enough.

  I suspect he also pushes you away because he does not want to come face to face with his dilemma and admit things about his life.  He is probably caught up in shame and guilt and remorse over many things and it would be overwhelming to face those sober.

  Unless he is willing to face life on life's terms and stop drinking for the rest of his days "One day at a time" there is not much hope for his type. If he will surrender to the disease and get some help he has a chance but it is his decision and no one elses.

  I hope this may have helped and write again if I can be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde