Expert: Clyde - 1/4/2011

Question
A friend of mine went to an Al-Anon meeting, her first, and my knowledge is second hand, so this may be a bit like playing the telephone game in that the question and information are a bit blurred.

She made the comment that alcoholics can't really love someone, and can't love you the way you want to be loved, that expecting them to be there for you and to 'watch your back' so to speak is beyond their capabilities.

Again, I'm confused.   Could you explain or debunk, which ever is most appropriate.

Mary

Answer
Mary,
   Thank you for the follow-up. I must debunk that one but not 100% as I need to qualify my answer.  Here is my opinion: Many alcoholics in the program of AA are doing very well having arrested the habit of turning to drink as a coping mechanism and many will and can stay right there for their entire sobriety career.  But, if one is truly going to grow in the grace of their higher power they will want to do much more.  
   
   If they want to be the very best they can be (especially in love relationships) then they will be motivated to do the tough work we have talked about.  If I have a problem in the love category I must take it upon myself to find out my side of the problem and thus be a better lover, mate, companion, etc.  But, they must be willing to look at this and many will not have the tools (maybe never) to begin this lifelong process.

   I, for one, believe there are those drunks who have the capacity to love and love in a very healthy way.  There are some AAer's who have done many years and even decades of therapy and reading and become profoundly spiritually educated and graced both in the "head" and the "heart" so much so that they exemplify the commandment Jesus gave - love unconditionally.

   I know this is a partial answer but remember only the person recovering can do the work - many will not or do not know what is waiting for them if they do.

    I hope this has helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde