Expert: Clyde - 1/24/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hi,
I am currently "on a break" with an alcoholic.  I broke up with him after he left me to go drink on several important occassions.  He's 28 and has shown this behavior since he was 18 and even admits to being an alcohol but swears that he is able to control it.  He uses statements like "i dont even drink that often or that much" or "nothings going to happen" and more recently he's shifted the focus towards me claiming that we need some time apart and he should be able to have "guys nights"... Not mentioning drinking but it's obvious that its what their going to do.  I know that he's an alcoholic but sometimes he makes me feel like Im being silly for telling him he cant go drink.  I feel like I dont want to be controlling (which is what he tells me I am) so I just feel horrible asking him not to go. But at the same time, I only ask him not to go out on nights like, Thanksgiving or my college graduation.... Nights I feel entitled to do so.
      He makes me feel like I'm always wrong and that I'm suffocating him by not allowing him to drink.  But I feel like Im not asking much for him to at least try to stop.  I feep so horrible.  I've been with him for a little over a year and in that time, he's been arrested twice, gotten his 5th DUI, beat someone up, punched in a bar's window, come home bloody from a car accident, and cheated on me.... And i hear myself saying this outloud but I cant find it in me to let him go. I keep thinking that maybe he can control the drinking and maybe he does just need space and maybe if I give that to him he's going to change.   The bottom line is that I dont want to completely leave him and he change tomorrow and I lose out on a wonderful man and who I feel like is the love of my life.  
        Ive been going to al-anon meetings almost everyday for 3 months and I feel like their not helping. I'm 22 and theyre a lot older and most of them have an alcoholic parent or child so I dont have anyone to talk to about dating an alcoholic.  They make it sound like if I just stop nagging then he will change.... And when I tried that he just walked all over me and went out more.  Its difficult because he's offshore for weeks at a time and rationalizes hes need to go out because hes been working so hard. And then any time we get into a fight, he makes me feel like its all my fault... And then I end up doing something like apologizing for the fact that I got upset that he cheated on me.

Anyway, this seems so crazy but I dont want to leave him because I love him. And I dont want to be the bad guy for leaving him and I dont want him to hate me forever. I just dont know what to do. I feel so lost and confused.
Please help me.

ANSWER: Stephani,
  Thank you for the questions and for explaining how this makes you feel.  That is a key to my answering you this morning.

  Please hear me clearly when I say you can not make this man change.  You see the destructive behavior but he does not see it.  Until a person is willing to look within themselves and begin to reassess what they say and do honestly then there is not going to be a change.

  The focus of my answer to you is that you will want to begin honestly asking yourself some serious questions about yourself.  Statements like "He makes me feel..." indicate that you've given this person your power.  No one can make us feel - we feel as we feel.  The question is why have you given him your power?

  You said that no one in alanon can tell you how to date an alcoholic.  I agree with that.  No one can.  We must ask ourselves why would I put my life on hold while I court someone who is so uncaring for me?  You will need to do some serious soul searching on this.  No one can help you unless you are willing to be brutally honest about yourself.

  Your last comments are telling...you say you don't want to be the bad guy and you don't want him to hate you forever...well, here is the sad truth as I have experienced it.  Sometimes we have to do things that are difficult for ourselves, even downright hurtful, but we must do them if we are guided by a Higher Power.  Perhaps a Higher Power you may have is actually saying the best thing you could do for this young man is to leave him.  Perhaps that is the only way his own Higher Power has a chance to get through to him.  Perhaps your relationship with him needs to die completely and then and maybe then down the road some distance that Higher Power may choose to resurrect it properly.  Also, we must ask ourselves why we would feel guilty over someone else's feelings about something we think is right for us.  It may hurt them and they may be extremely hurt but that is loss and grieve those things we must.  

   The answer to your dilemma lies within you not the alcoholic.  He is caught in a brutal disease from which he may never escape alive.  If you choose to remain for his benefit then you will have to sacrifice your own self for that.  I am not telling you what to do but I would suggest a question you might ask your Higher Power is this: Do you really want me to give of myself so completely to this person?  Then if the answer is yes, accept the consequences and if no, move on to a renewed life rich with possibilities.

   Side note... an event took place in my life five years ago and I have hurt for that event every day since then.  Lost loves that are real and genuine are meant to hurt when they end.  That doesn't make the hurt a bad thing but one of true caring.  I am glad for the pain I have experienced for I am a much better person for it and my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, has shown me immeasurably how I can help others because of it.  Hurt has been redeemed.

   I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi again Clyde,

I know that I have to work on myself but I still have questions about the alcoholic-

How does an alcoholic process the things that are going on around them? -By that I mean, when they are angry, do they see the situation as someone without the disease would?  I feel like the logic of my alcoholic is really mixed up. As you said you, I see the destructive behavior but he doesn't... I don't really understand that. He gets defensive and passes blame off to whomever he can.  Is that caused by the alcoholism?  Does that become part of his personality or is it just something that comes along with the drinking. I know that there is no cure to alcoholism, but if he did stop drinking would that stop the other destructive behaviors too or is he pretty much always going to be like that.  

I guess that's a really open-ended question but some insight would be really helpful.  I don't think I understand the disease at all.

Stephani

Answer
Stephani,
   Thank you for your follow-up questions.  They are good ones.  I think the most important thing you have picked up on is my comment you "see the destructive behavior but he doesn't..." This is quite the truth for many alcoholics.  It is up to the alcoholic to discover why they are so clueless, really clueless about their behaviors. There are probably deep-seated psychological issues in his childhood which his ego will not allow expressed or remembered.  Our ego is not us - it is a protective element of our being that protects the inner "I"  As it builds protective mechanisms these become coping mechanisms to keep pain and truth hidden from us.  Will he ever become fascinated enough to discover the real "him?"  That is up to him.  It is my opinion that very few people will ever discover these things about themselves.  If they would only venture into the unknown and face some of the demons in their own lives they would be amazed.

   Here is the dangerous part of all this for you or those who are in relationship with them as they "discover, uncover, and discard" - you might not like them!  and they might not like you!  My ex-wife gave me a bottle and told me to drink because she did not like the sober Clyde.  Wow!  The disease is powerful.

   I hope this may help and write again if I can be of any help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde