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Addiction to Alcohol/Dating someone in recovery/Intimate times

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Expert: - 1/25/2011


Question
I have been living with my boyfriend since July of 2010.  When we began dating 8 months ago I knew that he frequently drank and learned very quickly some of the destructive behaviour this led to, including being sent to jail by his family. He told me early on that he had sobered up at different times, staying sober for several years at a time.  After some things happened over the past several months, again pertaining to his family and specifically his son, he decided to being to attend AA.  He has admitted to being very stressed and depressed at the same time.  Our sexual relationship, which was wonderful in the beginning, has become an absent one since probably October.  Can this be attributed to the depression and anxiety?  And what can I expect as he moves forward with his recovery?  Is there a way to approach this with him without making him feel less of a man?

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC
Hi Joy,

It's not enough for your boyfriend to attend AA meetings because in AA language, he can be 'clean, but not sober' -- clean, meaning he's not drinking, and sober meaning sober thinking.  Your boyfriend should also get a sponsor and work the 12 steps. This would address his personal issues. He would also benefit from addiction counseling to work through his anxiety and depression.

It is likely that his depression and anxiety has diminished his sex drive. Alcohol is a depressant, and having cravings to drink when you're abstaining is anxiety provoking, so I hope he works this through with his sponsor.

Discuss the sexual issue openly and honestly.  Tell him that you support any efforts he makes to stay sober, and you can add that you're looking forward to regaining the happier times and share an active sex life again.

Don't be judgmental or focus on  his diminished sex drive. I'm sure he's well aware that he's negligent in that department, but he simply hasn't felt up to it.

I hope this information is helpful

Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,


Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com
    Questioner's Rating
    Rating(1-10)Knowledgeability = 10Clarity of Response = 10Politeness = 10
    CommentThank you very much for your response. While most of this I already realized, it is just very good to have someone with experience in this area confirm my thinking and to add to my information. He will have my support and any help I can give him as I continue to research and study this process as well. Thank you.


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Beverley Glazer

Expertise

I can answer questions on all addictive behaviors: alcohol, drugs, food, compulsive sex, codependency, gambling, compulsive shoplifting etc.

Experience

I have over 20 years experience working in the addiction field. My experience extends to all levels of substance abuse. I've worked in rehabs and detox centers, prisons and half-way houses and have a busy private practice as well as an active website where I can be reached for recovery coaching and consultation. I am a cognitive behavioral therapist, but 12-step programs are an excellent support. When working in the addiction field, there is no cookie-cutter solution. In the recovery field, you witness miracles. That's why I love what I do.

Organizations
NAADAC The Association for Addiction Professionals, CACCF Canadian Addiction Counselors Federation, CCA Canadian Counseling Association, For more information please see: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Education/Credentials
BA Psychology, MA Counseling Psychology, ICADC International Alcohol and Drug Counselor, ICAC International Clinical Addiction Counselor, CGC Certified Gambling Counselor.

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