Expert: Druideck - 1/1/2011

Question
Twenty-six months ago I married the man I thought was my soulmate. In the past few months, he started having rages, yelling at me about various things. A couple of days after a rage, he will begin to act as if nothing has happen and become loving again. Just two days ago, he told me the marriage is dead for him. When I asked what he meant, he replied that I needed to be patient. He informed me that he would decide if he would divorce, separate or continue the marriage. When HE decides, he will let me know.

Early in our relationship, I told him that there were two "deal breakers"--smoking and lying. He quit smoking when he moved in with me, and I was convinced he would never lie, given the "rigorous honesty" he professed from AA. To my disappointment and dismay, a few months after he moved in, I found he was smoking and had lied about it. When I discovered this, he wept, telling me he knew that he had broken two important promises and gave me his word it would never happen again. It happened two more times. The last time he told me that he would not stop, that it was "all he has", and he would smoke as long as he wanted to.

I have been in Al Anon since August, but he wants me to go more often. He tells me constantly that I have problems and need to "see someone". His ranting and raving is primarily due to the fact that I am disorganized (in the house that is mine) and he wants to throw out my "excess".

My concern is what I see as a tremendous change in his personality. He was incredibly loving, kind and I loved him more than I knew I could love a man. Now he is someone I don't know. He lies, has put money in an account which doesn't have my name on it, and denies he has any part in the discord in our marriage.

He has almost 10 years sobriety. Is this type of behavior something that happens around this point in recovery? Any light you can shed on the situation will be so appreciated. I'm worried about him and I'm devastated.

Answer
Hello Sharon,

The expectations of many people in relationships
are dashed after the honeymoon stage is over.

The hard work of accepting yourself and another
person living together starts and the lack
of mature emotional development can surface.

The only real relationship his problems have to alcoholism
are his lack of emotional development and
coping skills which most alcoholics are short on.

The reason for this is that most alcoholics sober
up with only the maturity they gained before
they started drinking. This means on average they
have the emotions of a 14 year old at most.

Try being in a mature, committed, emotionally intimate
relationship at that age. Not to mention the
other things required of an adult.

This lack results in a self-centered fear
of survival. This can result in rage
when coupled with immature expectations and demands
made of their mate.

The low self worth of alcoholics results
in much projection of perceived problems
on to others. They do not know what to expect
or what they should give in making compromises.
All this confusion can cause much stress
and also an urge to give up on things.
Alcoholics see the world in black and white,
either they get what they demand or they walk away.

All these possibilities can occur along
with the possibility of relapse of thinking
and even relapse to drinking eventually.

The problem is not how long someone has been sober
but how committed they are to recovery.
Recovery starts in AA and continues with working
the twelve step program as a continuous process.

If you both concentrate on yourselves
instead of trying to control each other
things may improve.

Taking the inventory of your mate can
be a disaster. Deal with him by working
on your own fears, demands and expectations.
Sometimes you either have to accept someone
as they are in the moment or let them know
what you intend to do to help yourself.

He may indeed have many problems to sort
out inside himself but you can only
work on yourself as we can never really
change another person.

He may need counselling, more AA meetings
or more time to himself. You may have needs
of your own as well. The solution is meeting
half way and if he is not willing then there
is little chance of a good relationship.

His threats to leave are very damaging.
I can understand how bad that must feel.
My hope is that he is conscious of what
the twelve steps are about and will work
them more diligently.

Personal growth is hard and time consuming.
Sometimes we attract a mate due to each of our
deficiencies. If we grow at different rates
we can grow apart. Alcoholism causes many
problems but often there are problems
that were there before and sobriety just
amplifies them.

These emotional ups and downs have to
be worked through and new methods
of healthy relating developed.

If he is angry it means he is afraid and
stressed but it may be internal stress and
not so much about you but just around you.

Let him cool down and talk about things calmly
when the time seems right.
The other man you married is still in there somewhere.
I hope you can find him again.

Luck to you both whatever paths you take.

Druideck

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