Expert: Beverley Glazer - 1/6/2011

Question
Hi, my husband is a wine expert who works in a wine & spirit shop and has been doing this for over 25 yrs.  his mom was british,and they were heavy drinkers (cocktail hour every night in their 90's with his dad drinking several whiskeys, they got toasted every time they visited us).  so he enjoys fine wines, fine whiskeys, scotches, etc.  he has been drinking almost every night since i've known him 14 years (and probably another 10 before that)*** he has quit for a week at a time when sick, antibiotics, and on occasion skips a couple of nights.  it's only after work, starts with a gin & tonic then moves on to straight alcohol - 2 more glasses.  so 3/a day.  used to be 4.  he is not mean.  doesn't drive drunk, miss work, anything like that.  we have 2 boys, 5 & 9.  this has been bothering me for several years but whenever i mention one thing about it's too much, he gets hypersensitive and sleeps in another room, it causes a big fight.  do u think he has a problem?  my biggest concern are the kids, they see the full bar (10 bottles or so) & they see him drink when they stay up late on weekends.  am i overreacting?  he thinks he has a sophisticated palate, that's the culture he's from, etc.  pls advise.  i asked him to not drink in front of them, hide the bottles and he is freaking out.  threatens to leave (he won't though).  oh, he did stop having drinks the last 2 nites to prove to me there's no problem.  he has given my older boys sips of wine at times in the past and he likes it.  i am guilty of having wine on the weekends in front of them as well but will stop that now and won't let him give them sips.  am i overreacting?

Answer
Hi Stacey,

Your husband probably drinks too much but without an actual assessment it's not possible to tell if he's actually addicted.

This is a self test that may be helpful. It can be used as a guide, but it's not a clinical assessment.
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-addiction.html

The greater problem here, is that not only does your husband drink and comes from a family of alcoholics, but his livelihood and recreation is also based on alcohol. Because of your children, you are not over-reacting when you show concern, but try not to get into arguments regarding  drinking. This will only aggravate the problem.

Whether he has a dependency or not, it would be helpful for you to go to Al-anon, to discuss coping strategies for yourself, because Dad is a role model and his drinking is causing issues. Your husband would also benefit from an alcohol assessment, to see how high his consumption is, compared to the 'norm'. He may not have to completely stop drinking -- and an addiction specialist could help him with this.

By giving alcohol to the kids, your husband is sending the message that it's 'illicit' and off limits to kids, but he's not forbidding it. In other words, you're the bad one.

If your husband won't go for an assessment, another option is that you suggest couple counseling to overcome the conflicts that you've been having. The counselor can be beneficial in opening up his eyes, that his behavior has got to change.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

When I returned from vacation I had pending questions which have to be answered first. If you'd like a quicker response, feel free to send me your query directly.

All the best

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com