Expert: Druideck - 1/8/2011

Question
My husband has been abusing alcohol since we met 14 years ago. Truthfully, I abused it too, but as he says, I had the "luxury" of getting pregnant (twice) and was forced to change my lifestyle.
We have discussed the fact that he may be an alcoholic for years. One day he'll agree, and the next he'll say I overreact. One day he'll be reading the 12 steps (buddah's path), and the next he'll deny he has anything close to a problem. He drinks in the evening, about 5 nights a week. If he doesn't have a drink he usually goes to bed early-sometimes even before the kids (elementary school age). He has to plan his drinking out: wine first "one glass" or half of a bottle, and then 4 to 6 beers. He likes to emphasize that it's 3.2 beer. He doesn't eat till right before bed. If I drink with him it's like giving him license to drink till the cows come home. Needless to say I don't drink with him often. He always has excuses for his drinking: stress, my mother, headaches, anxiety, me... anyway, I don't question that he has a problem. That much I know. My concern is that I'm dealing with it all wrong. I've asked him to leave - move in with his mother- but he doesn't take me seriously. I've yelled and said terrible things. I've sat with him and talked rationally about my concerns for his health and listened to him agree to change. I've pointed out how much fun we have when he's sober. I've tried not saying anything when he's slurring his words and I've tried pointing out how drunk he is, or saving beer bottles to show him how much he drank the next morning. I know every approach I've tried is enabling or wrong and i'm looking for some advice on what I SHOULD do. I don't want a divorce. I want to help him get help and I'm at my witts end.

Answer
Erin,

The problem with getting an alcoholic to see
what is happening is complex as you have
found out when trying to control his
uncontrollable behaviour.

Alcohol can develop into an addiction,
this is alcoholism. The word addiction
applies because it is not a controllable
behaviour, it is an illness of the mind and
body.

The reason all your methods do not work
is because you are extracting promises
he can not keep in his present state
of mind/body. His will power is non-existant
if he is addicted which sounds likely.

All the excuses are made because he either
does not want to quit or get help or
his denial keeps him from seeing the extent
of his drinking and it's effects on himself
and his family.

There is as you say no point in enabling
or lecturing or threatening unless you seriously
intend to follow through.
The shell that protects the illness is very strong.

Some alcoholics go to their deaths denying any problem.
Others hit an emotional and/or mental bottom
from losing everyone and everything and
then seek recovery.
This is what it takes sometimes to wake them up.

If you realize that you are behaving
like you are addicted to fixing him and his problem
you can seek help for yourself in Al-Anon.

An alcohol counsellor may help you with an
organized confrontation known as intervention.
This requires some caring people that his drinking
has affected negatively.
This has to be organized as it is designed for
him to get help or face serious personal consequences if he refuses.

Confronting him on your own only creates more
resistance as you have found.
Don't waste your breath, start to focus on yourself
and how you can improve your life regardless of his
choices. This doesn't mean you have to leave.
It just means you learn how to stop reacting
to what he is doing. You start to release your
desire to change him, control him, be responsible
for him etc. You stop being like his parent
and start being his wife and partner.
Two individuals that take responsibility
for their part in the relationship.
If he does poorly because of drinking then
let him face the results of that.

The drinking problem is something he has
to face on his own with your support BUT it is
his responsibility and he will only stay sober
when he wants sobriety and is willing to get help
in AA or counselling or treatment.

He will keep making excuses if you keep trying
to straighten him out. He will use your
complaints as another reason to persist.

Seek a local interventionist and do it right
if you really want to help.
If a professional approach does not break his
denial then only time may and negative consequences
or early death. It is a terminal illness.

The methods you are using just keep the merry-go-round
going. I am sure you can see how the promises never
come true, this is how powerful addiction is.
There is NO excuse for drinking because any excuse
will keep him drunk even not caring is just another excuse
for him.

I know you would like to think you can change him
but in my 25 years the change I see has only come from within
the alcoholic.

Relax your wits a bit and let go, it may make all the difference.
Let some space appear in your mind where the worry is.

I hope you can glean something from all this rambling!

Good luck!
Druideck
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