Expert: Beverley Glazer - 1/26/2011

Question
My father was an alcholic and from the time I could talk, I always spoke that I would NEVER be married to someone who drinks. I married my high school sweetheart and neither of us drank.  We have been married for 28 years and have a good marriage.  For the past 8 years he has started drink a few beers a night. He knows that it upsets me, he is to the point that he hides the beer, hides the empty cans etc. I can tell when he has even had one, it changes him. It depresses him. He is 48 and has had 3 strokes. He was not physically affected by the strokes but now I am even more afraid of the drinking. It terrifies me. His reasoning is: i only drink 2 or 3 after work, i dont go out, it should be ok. My reasoning is: im terrified of it, it kills me inside, he is a different person and he doesnt see it. I dont want to be a bad wife and say "you have to stop or im leaving", we love each other dearly and other than the drinking we have a perfect marriage, but i just cant seem to get over the drinking. I dont want to give up a 28 year good marriage over a few cans of beer. How do I learn to deal with it? It truly makes me sick to my stomach when I see him open a can. my fear overcomes me. Please help me to understand why this scares me so badly, and i would truly appreciate any advice you can give me.

Answer
Hi Pat,

Because of your past history, you are hypersensitive about alcohol and this is the reason that you react the way you do. What concerns me is that it seems that your over-reaction creates more anxiety and this hasn't stopped your husband from drinking. It's simply caused him to hide it from you. This will only aggravate the situation.  

Be assured, that you don't have to leave him after 28 years of a good marriage,but you need help with this. It would be beneficial for both of you to go to couple counseling, to work through this issue. Find a counselor familiar with addiction and Child of Alcoholic (ACOA) issues. Here is some info that may be interesting to you.

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcoholic-family.html

As your husband has been doing this for 8 years, he also has to learn new coping strategies so he doesn't have to drink to 'take the edge off'.

It can also be helpful if you can attend ACOA meetings in your area, and failing that Al-anon may be another option.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com