Expert: Druideck - 1/5/2011

Question
I was living with an alcoholic for 3 years.  Life was very bad - one crisis to the next.  I supported him through various rehabs and psychologists but he never made a serious attempt at recovery so eventually I had to leave.  We did have a reconcilliation a few months later but that didn't last long as nothing had changed. Now I have discovered that after only a few months he has a new girlfriend and is seemingly making serious attempts at recovery.  I am finding this very difficult to come to terms with.  How can someone just turn everything around so quickly?  I'm feeling very used and abused - as if everything I did and everything I went through was for nothing and now because he has someone else in his life it's all of a sudden worth the effort to get sober.  I'm having a very hard time working through all this, any advice welcome.  Is this typical of alcoholics?

Answer
Hi Justine,

A few things I want you to consider. The first
is that true alcoholism is an addictive illness.
It is not something that is stopped by ones willpower
alone or by ones love for their girlfriend or family.

Alcoholics stop only when they do it for themselves
primarily or else they will not have the required
willingness to seek help and to follow the
necessities of recovery and abstinence.

At no point did you have the power to relieve
him from this terrible addiction and it's power.

If he is staying sober now it is more likely because
of all the attempts and failures he had up until now.
He is not going to stay sober due to a new girlfriend.
It will only come because he has finally hit
bottom from drinking and it's bad consequences and is beaten
enough to surrender himself to recovery and  
the acceptance of being an alcoholic.
The denial of the problem can take much time
and repeated failure of drink control is the teacher.

Sobriety comes as a process and the time he did or does
it in will depend on him not any girlfriend.
Losing you may have more to do with his increased
efforts at recovery than you think.
His emotional bottom may have come after seeing
everything he has lost due to alcohol.
Unfortunately, it is sometimes the breakups that spur an
alcohol into help rather than the support
during the relationship. Support is nice once recovery
is established but the upheaval of the breakup
is often what speeds up the complete surrender to recovery.

Believe me his journey is only starting and you have
little to regret in being around the ups and downs
of a newly sober alcoholic.
He will have to learn how to handle life sober
with the emotional age he started drinking at.
This could be like twelve to fourteen on average.

He is not staying sober for a new girlfriend
even though it may seem that way. He will only
stay sober through personal committment and
he will be going through so many changes you may
not recognize him later on.
His recovery will put much strain on any relationship
he tries to have.

It is typical for alcoholics to seek recovery more
seriously after losing much.
His recovery is not guaranteed it is one day at a time.
Any relationship he has may make recovery more difficult
and he may even relapse back to drinking because
of the relationship.

Now is the time to take the focus off him and move
it on to yourself.
Look at why you felt so compelled to help
this man. Are you in the habit of finding
men that need help in one way or another.
Do you feel attracted to troubled men?
Do you possibly give or love too much
as a bribe to these fellows?
Why keep trying to help someone that
doesn't help themselves?
You can look at why you were giving more
than you should to this man and ask yourself
do I feel lovable without giving so much?
Also read Robin Norwood's books on loving
too much. This whole experience may turn
out to be a blessing for you even though
it feels bad right now.

Learn, let go and live better,

Warmly, Druideck
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