Expert: Clyde - 1/26/2011

Question
I HAAV A SON WHOIS AN ALOCHOLIC AND I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALL THE THINGS THAT I CAN WITH HIM I HAVE HELPED HIM OUT OF JAIL NUMEROUS OF TIMES AND I THOUGHT FINALLY WHEN HE CAME HOME HE WOULD TRY AT LEAST TO STAY STRAIGHT BUT TONIGHT I FOUND A GIN BOTTLE IN HIS POCKET HE IS GONE TO WORK MY HUSBAND DRIVES HIM I PICK HIM UP  WHEN HE MOVED IN HE PROMISED ME HE WOULD NEVER DRINK AGAIN SO NOW I TOOK THE BOTTLE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND HID IT WHEN HE COME HOME IN THE MORNING DO I TELL HIM TO LEAVE AND NOT COME BACK BECAUSE I CAN NOT HANDLE ANY MORE . I AM ALMOST 60 YEARS OLD. THANKS I WILL FOLLOW WHAT YOU TELL ME TO DO. THANKS

Answer
Zelma,
   Thank you for contacting someone about this frustrating and trying situation in which you live from day to day.  I wish I could say something that would make it go away but I can't.

   All I can do is offer some insight for you that might help ease the pain.  The first thing is this:  Alcoholism is a disease and it destroys lives absolutely in the active phase.  Your son has faced active alcoholism and may be there now, you and I do not know for sure.  You found a bottle, but you did not find him drinking.  You found what may be, but you do not know for sure.  For that reason, I say he may be in an active phase.  I pray he is not.

   My suggestion is this: Since you found the bottle, do not hide it but put it back where you found it and then call him down on it - let him admit whether he is drinking or not.  If he is, he needs to own up to it and face the consequences.  Those consequences you need to set down in black and white and he needs to know that any breach will mean he is to leave.  See, by doing this you bring out in the open the nastiness of lies and deceit and you expose it to the light so that you are free and able to make life what you want it to be in a healthy way.  It will certainly hurt again as it has hurt so many times in the past, but it offers an opportunity to move the story to a new chapter and that may be ending the book by severing the ties with him.  Your conscious can be clear.

   IF HE BECOMES VIOLENT OR THREATENING, CALL THE POLICE  AND HAVE HIM REMOVED FROM THE HOME.  This is imperative to let him know that this sort of behavior will not be tolerated.  It must not be tolerated.

    You and I have no idea how God may use this to help him.  He may die a drunk.  That is not for you or I to know or for you or I to concern ourselves.  It will not be our fault.  You will have loved him all you could and nothing less.  A powerful testimony to a mother's love.

    You do not have to martyr yourself for the sake of this disease.  Free yourself if you have to.  You do not say anything about what he may be doing to try and stay sober.  If he is not attending AA meetings I would suggest he go to some and find people who can and will help him escape the throes of the disease.  They will know what he is dealing with.  If he won't; he won't.

    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde