Expert: Clyde - 10/31/2011

Question
Hello Clyde. I am writing on behalf of my boyfriend. His story is he was a heavy alcoholic since the age of 18 and also a drug addict. He is now 25 and has been sober for over a year now. Recently, however, he has begun to relapse back into his old traits. He is drinking, not alot but 2-3 times a month, but when he drinks he does not stop until he is completely out of control or passed out and he has also begun smoking marijuana again. I have tried to mention meeting again and church groups, but he just brushes them off and when i try to tell him to stop he does not. I do not know what to do. It is starting to become to much and I don't want to have to leave him. If you could offer me any help i would be so appreciative. thank you so much

Answer
Lisa,
   Thank you for your questions.  your boyfriend is discovering that "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic" applies to us persons who are addictive type personalities.  The addiction is both physical and mental.  We say we have "physical cravings" and a "mental obsession."  

   Unfortunately, you can do nothing about his addiction.  He will have to make a conscious decision to reassess his recovery and discover what it is that he appreciates about it and why he might want to stay clean and sober one day at a time.  If that one day at a time is followed successfully, it means he stays sober for the rest of his life.

   He is not a bad person - he is a person acting with less than optimum healthiness for himself and for whom he may be of service in his life.  You are not as important as the booze and the highs he gets from the weed.  Once he makes the decision that he feels the reverse then something can be accomplished but not til then.  

    The program is designed to help a person realize the old ways of thinking are no longer valid nor helpful.  It is really a "thinking" thing - not a "drinking" thing.  Old habits die hard.


    The program is also designed for those persons who can and want to be rigorously honest with themselves.  There are however "those who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves."  He may be of this type.

   If he will follow the program then he will discover the reasons why he ever fell into the destructive habits but he must do that for himself.  There are simply too many possibilities for me to offer any here.  My opinion is that they are rooted very deeply in the psyche and  must be brought to consciousness and explored and dissected much as you would a frog in high school biology.  This, too, means that one must be conscious of some "higher Power" who can walk with them on the long arduous journey in the "dark night of the soul."


    Now is the time for you to seriously decide whether you want to risk a lifetime of his drinking and drugging or move on to find someone who has their priorities straight - relationships over alcohol.

    I hope this has been helpful.

Grace and peace,
Clyde