Expert: Steven T. Brittain - 10/11/2011

Question
Dear Steve,
My question is a little different from the ones I have read here. Both my husband and I were sober. I still am. He had 9 years in AA, relapsed and drank for 2 years, in and out of re-habs. I took the kids (then 6 and 7), moved, filed for divorce after giving him 8 months to go back to meetings. We reconciled because he got sober and this sobriety seemed much better. We got along better. I got to Alanon.  We had a second chance. My husband and I are married 12 years today. But he is not here. That is because 5 days ago, despite our second chance and despite the kids and despite what he knows about this disease, he took a drink after nearly two years sober. He is a good dad sober and a nice guy. But drunk he is literally insane, crazy, and highly extreme.
I dont know what caused the relapse.
I feel like giving up because if this is going to be by life every couple or 5 or 10 years....I dont want it. I dont know that there is an answer for me. I am heartbroken. My kids are too. We like him sober. We can't be near him this way.
I am not the kind of person to throw someone away because they suffer a malady like this one. But this is miserable.
THanks for listening and any words of support I will appreciate.

Answer
Hi Blair,

As you are aware an addict thinks different for the normies out there. They are controlling, manipulative, hyper-sensitive and very intelligent. This makes up the person's addictive thinking.

I've heard a story of a man, with 14 years sober, going home Christmas Eve. He takes the same route home he always does but at a T-stop one block from his house. He all sudeenly get this urge to go right...to the bar...knowing that his family is just a few minutes away. For some reason he turns right.

I have been in those shoes. I have 3 years under my belt and I've had those urges. Luckily, I can call a sponsor or hit a meeting or use the addiction management tools I was taught in rehab.

I'm not a medical professional but I work with addicts. In my opinion, he needs to get to either a meeting or rehab. You can either do a family intervention or hire a professional. He already knows that you are serious...maybe bring it up a notch.

If he says,"YES" get him to rehab. If he says,"NO" I would walk out of his life. This is ONLY MY OPINION.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will never get better. Once we stop drinking your addictive thinking waits until the right moment, your weakest moment and then you try to justify having a beer or glass of wine and then you are right back to it. It only takes days to weeks to be as bad or worse then last time.

He will have to feel guilty, afraid or ashamed before he will give it up again.

Alanon is a great solution to help the family understand where he is coming from.

You are dealing with an alcoholic. This will not be an easy road. You may have to walk away and start fresh OR he may see what he is going to be losing and start going to meetings or rehab.

I hope this helps you out.

Thanks
Steve