Expert: Clyde - 10/27/2011

Question
I am a wife of a recovered alcoholic.  My husband and I were married in July, 2010, we dated a year and a half before getting married.

It wasn't until 7 months after we were married that I discovered that my husband was an alcoholic. He was consuming a liter of vodka a day behind my back.  He developed some serious health issues that went on for months, and I never attributed them to  alcohol abuse because he had been diagnosed with some valid health issues unrelated to the alcohol abuse, and was taking medication for those issues that he claimed were causing his symptoms.  Hindsight being 20/20, I should have known that there was something more that his vaild health issues going on.

We were married in July of 2010, and it wasn't until my husband passed out at work in January of 2011 and ended up in the hospital with a failing liver that I discovered he was an alcoholic.  I didn't find out until they had taken his bloodwork that he had a blood alcohol level that was almost over double the legal limit.  Needless to say, his hospital stay lasted almost a month.  When he was finally awake in cognitive state after the withdrawal process, I confronted him about his drinking and gave him the option of Rehab or Divorce.  He chose rehab, and is currently 9 months sober.

I am having a very, very hard time with our marriage, and quite frankly, I don't know what to do.  I am very proud of him and happy that he has chosen recovery.  However, I am still very angry at him for all of the lies, betrayal, and garbage I put up with.  I am having a hard time learning to trust him again, and I constantly have in the back of my mind the thought, "will he drink again?"  I also am very hurt that he withheld that fact that he was an alcoholic from me, and allowed me to go forward into a marriage without that knowledge.  His fear was that if he told me, I would leave.  My answer to that was that I would have given him the option to go to rehab and after being sober for at least a year, then we could have gotten married.

My husband attends meetings 3 times per week, and is making an excellent effort to try to make this marriage work.  He does not seem to understand that I will not be able to trust him when he thinks I should be able to.  Honestly, I don't know when I will be able to get to that point, but I do know I need time.  My anger, hurt, and inability to trust him is wreaking havoc on our intimacy, communication, and marriage in general.  I'm even beginnning to think that I don't know if I want to be married anymore or not, because I don't know if I will be able to get over the betrayal.  We've tried marriage counseling, but haven't seemed to find the right fit.

I would appreciate any advice you can give!

Thank you!

Answer
Jessica,
    Thank you for your story and for the questions.  These are, unfortunately, very common when dealing with active alcoholics and even those in early recovery.

    Let me say, as you have, congratulations to him that he has chosen sobriety!!! It is to be understood that that happy turn for him does not mean that all is well for you.  It is not.

    That being said, it is important that you find the outlet for YOUR feelings and thoughts and emotions.  That is the reason why joint counseling probably feels so "hollow" for you.  joint counseling is not the ticket for your healing since he has nothing to do with your feelings - you do.  You stand at the point of making some sense of this situation for yourself, thus, there are two separate issues here - 1.) his issues with alcoholism (and all the attending consequences) and 2.) your personal decisions to be made now that this has happened.

    He is on the right road - let's hope he stays the course.

    The crux of this pain for you lies within you - not the alcoholic.  It is probably almost impossible to see this from your perspective and I can understand that.  But let me make some suggestions and observations.

    Suggestion one is that you give some serious meditative thought to exploring Alanon, the program for family and friends of alcoholics.  I highly recommend that you find a meeting and go a few times.  allow yourself to be open to the concept and allow yourself to listen.  By all means ask questions if you feel comfortable enough.  I would hope you might connect with some of thsse women who could become your confidantes to be good listeners.  The need for persons such as yourself is to be "heard" - not talked to or talked down to, but listened to.  Good luck on this as most people are geared to be talkers and advisors, not listeners.  It is a rarity but I hope you will be able to find this resource person.  Alanon will help you turn your attention inward rather than outward on the alcoholic.

    Observations:  your dilemma is currently centered on his lies and his deceit and his betrayal, etc.  This is not going to help you resolve this successfully.  The focus must now be placed squarely on your shoulders.  This, too, may sound harsh and mean but it is what we learn from bad situations - when we are "restless, irritable and discontent", we say in AA, the problem lies within ourselves.  

    If you are a spiritual type person, I would suggest you spend some quiet moments in prayer asking God what He would choose for you to do in this case.  If you are God-centered then we can find ourselves being moved out of the "me-centered" mentality which causes us to see others as the ones who have victimized us.  This transforms our minds to the possibility of not looking at "them" but looking only at "ourselves."  I hope that is understandable to you.

    One thing further is to consider some questions I would ask you to seriously ponder.  The answers will have to be yours - no one can make those decisions for you.

1.) when considering marriage and the marriage vows, what did "for better for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer" mean?

2.) what is your understanding of forgiveness?

3.) AA tells us that our ultimate goal in life is "to be of maximum service to God and our fellow hhuman beings."  How do you see service to your husband in this statement?

4.) What happens if you find you do not like him as a "sober" person? or he, you?

   I hope this may be helpful.  Write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and peace,
Clyde