Expert: Beverley Glazer - 11/11/2011

Question
Hi,

My father is 75 years old. He has been drinking since his early 20s and has never stopped drinking for any serious length of time. He is also bipolar and has anxiety attacks, which is at least part of the reason he drinks.

I spent a lot of years in therapy learning about how growing up with his drinking and my mother's enabling of his drinking affected my emotional skills. At this point, I feel pretty good about myself.

My father lives in an apartment building in another city. My aunt (his sister) used to live nearby and see him about once a week, take him grocery shopping, etc., but she moved away this summer. Now he is really alone and he has never been one to make friends. He no longer works.

I have no idea how much he drinks now but I suspect that he drinks pretty much nonstop. He is the kind of drunk who can be wasted and yet even people who know him and know he is an alcoholic will not even notice that he is drunk. I seem to be the only person in my family who knows all his little tricks and has always seen his drinking clearly. It is a weird position to be in because to me it is so obvious and it seems insane to me that other people don't recognize what is happening.

Now that my aunt has moved, I am the closest person to him. Flying on an airplane gives him anxiety attacks, so really I am the only person he can visit for the holidays without a couple of days travel time each way on a train.

I invited my dad to come for Thanksgiving because it is his favorite holiday and I can't stand for him to be alone. However, I am really dreading the day. I know that at this point he really needs to drink. I don't really want to be around him detoxing, but I don't want to offer him liquor either. I know he will travel with his own stash even though I will hide the booze.

I'd like to have a bottle of wine with the meal and don't know whether to:

a) what the heck, let him have his couple of glasses of wine and just deal openly with the fact that he's never getting sober (which is something I accept in therapy years ago and find pretty comforting).

or

b) not offer him anything to drink and don't drink myself. Then I can watch him get drunk from his own stash pretending he's just drinking a remarkable glass of tea that magically never needs refilling meanwhile pretending I don't know he's getting wasted.

These I see as my only realistic choices. I don't want him to be alone. I hate being around him when he is drinking, though. However, it seems too late at this point in his life to try to even make a pretense of believing he is capable of sobriety. Is there some way of treating him with some dignity as a drunk? Is there some way to just graciously say, you know what, I hate this but have a glass of wine and I won't judge?

I see a lot of people with questions about people who are young and drinking and capable of quitting, but what do you do when there really is no hope anymore?

Answer
Hi Susan,

Your father is an alcoholic. Since he's been drinking all these years, he has a very high tolerance, so it seems that he's not as drunk as he is.
It seems that the people around you prefer not to 'see' the problem and stay in denial so you are the only one who sees the gravity of the issue and want to help.

Out of the goodness of your heart, you invited your dad for Thanksgiving Dinner, however, he is an an alcoholic and at this point in time, he is not going to stop drinking.

You've invited him to your house for the holidays, so you have to accept that as an alcoholic, he will drink. If you want to serve alcohol to the guests, at this point, it doesn't matter. Tell your dad that you are doing so, and you will give him a glass as well, however, you should also inform him that he is not to get drunk.  Most probably he will control himself while the guests are there and continue drinking 'his own stash', later.

To relieve your pressure, don't keep his drinking problem a 'secret'. Tell the other guests that your dad has a problem, and there's nothing you can do about it. This will help you in the event that he loses control.

You chose to have dad -- an active alcoholic, at the dinner. This demonstrates that you accept his drinking, but you must also accept that there may be negative consequences as a result of your decision. Hopefully, there won't be a problem, but with an alcoholic there is always a risk.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

Happy Thanksgiving,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com