Expert: Andrew Park - 11/6/2011

Question
Ive been with my girlfriend for over a year and a half and she is an alcoholic.  I have been trying to get her to quit drinking for as long as ive known her.  She finally hit rock bottum and had to go to the hospital for detox and then straight to a treatment facility.  She came out of treatment and began going to aa meetings.  You would think that i would be overjoyed and thats how I felt at first but she just told me she couldnt see me anymore.  Part of recovery is she cant be with old friends and they dont want you to date or be in a relationship for at least the first year because of higher risk of relapsing.  I feel so sad now because all i ever wanted is for her to be sober so we could be happy but now its the reason i cant see her anymore.  She said she still loves me but has to do this for her sobriety.  I do drink myself but not a full on alcoholic and i never drink in front of her and i even offered to not even have a beer if i know i might see her later.  But she said she made up her mind.  This all seems extremely unfair to me considering I had a big hand in getting her help and all the love and support and forgivenss Ive shown.  Is this really how things are suppose to be done?  Do I have any chance of getting her back?  I understand why they do this for recovery and I dont want to cause her to relapse but splitting up two people that deeply love eachother seems a bit harsh.  Ive been dumped by someone who still loves me. I didnt loose her to alcohol i lost her to sobriety it doesnt make sense.

Answer
Jeff, it sure feels unfair, and I can well understand your reaction.  Your girlfriend, should be respected for the value system she is adhering to. Yes you have been with her for a year, but that does not mean that for her this past year means the same thing.  She has been spiraling down in her drinking probably before you met, and then this year was an experience of the drinking getting worse, ending with detox and a moment of clarity that is her whole world now. Her primary relationship was with the bottle, not you this past year. I do think there are feelings she has for you,, but sobriety is her priority. This makes your problems' answers attainable through some very hard self reflection. So here are some questions; What was in this year long relationship that was a positive experience for you? It doesn't sound that there was a real opportunity for it to grow with her rock bottom looming ahead. If there are the feelings of love and compassion and you seem to be expressing these, then as a  woman, she is telling you what she cannot handle now or is not ready for. A woman who develops alcohol dependency, has a very different experience than men. First her metabolism is different, so one drink to her is actually two. Women generally have a smaller body mass, they have less water, more fat so alcohol is less dilute in the system. Women have one third to fifty percent less, of "alcohol dehydrogenase"; the enzyme that breaks alcohol down from its pure state (ethyl alcohol) and female hormones contribute further to increased effects of drinking. But, during PMS, the 2 for 1 effect doubles again!!! So two drinks in an hour is around in reality; 6 to 8 drinks. Here is where one can appreciate how women arrive at crisis, faster and with more damage. Another very important element is; women as a rule define themselves from the relationships they have, men define by what they do. Most women who succeed in achieving cessation, and relapse usually are overwhelmed by relationship issues. I must say that AA is a support group that helps a lot of people, but it is not treatment. To pressure her now is to create conflict that I don't think you would want to do. I think her boundaries are clear and need to be accepted The end result regardless, is that it is your responsibility is to honor her request, it should be obvious that this is life and death for her. You sound like a man with a good heart, and I recommend a book that really is for men also, and will offer guidance and wisdom; WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.

Best  of luck to you, and please respond if you feel the need to.

Andrew Park LCSW