Expert: Beverley Glazer - 11/16/2011

Question
Dear Todd,
I have been dating Dave for 7 months, and from the beginning he has gotten (severely) drunk at least every 4 or 5 days. This period becomes shorter when he’s feeling depressed. He is 32 and an alcoholic for 10 years. I really love him, he is an amazing and inspiring person, I believe that his ‘actual’ self is kind and optimistic. However, with the alcohol abuse it becomes very hard to tell when he means something, because his moods are constantly changing. When he drinks he tends to be very affectionate towards me, which creates a conflicting feeling in me. On the one hand, I am extremely concerned because he is hurting himself, on the other hand he is treating me in a loving and caring manner. For this reason I can’t manage to draw limits on his behavior.
After a day of drinking, he usually gets hangovers which cause him chest pain and anxiety so grave that he has to take anxiety medication. He usually feels very sad and asks me to stay by his side, and expresses his wish to change and have another things in his life rather than alcohol. Other times he just sets to ‘forget it’ and ignores the problem. When he drinks, sometimes he glorifies the environments in which he drinks. I understand this, as they do have a certain ‘romantic’ appeal, that is however costly to the personal lives of those involved. I guess he associates drinking with some of his childhood friends who had problems (social problems, with alcohol and drugs, etc) – he unconsciously identifies and ‘respects’ their suffering by doing the same thing. Another event that has influenced his drinking is his bad relationship with his family, which has left him prematurely alone and dealing with a lot of serious issues.
So his mood and thoughts on his life constantly change, and it’s hard to tell which ones are real or truer than the others. Sometimes when he drinks he becomes very aggressive (not towards me, though), and this has caused him a lot of trouble. Concerning our relationship he seems to oscillate between really wanting and caring for me and getting distant and cold. He never treats me wrong, but it just seems that at times he loves me and at other times he is emotionally detached. I wonder if this is related to drinking and attempts to withdraw. I have stood strong by his side at all times, and I think he really appreciates it, even though at times he seems to wander away. However, if I wander away myself he comes right after me, and clings to me, seems to want me more and becomes instantly more caring.
Dave had tried several times before to quit drinking, but had so far failed. He takes antabuse prescribed by a psychiatrist, but it’s hard for him to take it daily, so he has now asked for my help. I am of course glad to help him, and so far he’s managed to keep a couple of weeks sober. He really wants this change and is making a huge effort. I am trying my best to be supportive and not to be harsh on him with my anxiety, as I know he needs first to get better and stable, so that later things might work out better.
When he asked for my help, in a hangover day, he was very loving and caring, setting out plans for us both and saying that he wished to be in a better mood more often. This really warmed my heart, it meant a lot to me. However, as the days have passed, he has become more and more detached emotionally, he still obviously cares for me and loves me, as he shows it in his own way, but does not show clear affection and it even seems at times that I annoy him or that he doesn’t want to talk to me. The change is very pronounced, and leaves me confused, sad and anxious. I start questioning if all those plans were just the hangover talking or if they were for real – when was the true clarity moment?
What I would like to know is if this kind of behavior is normal in a recovering alcoholic, with the constant ups and downs and irritability. I have read that this kind of symptoms will not disappear so quickly, it takes a lot of effort also on other fields of life, such as improving things that aren’t right besides alcohol consumption…
Any advice on how to help Dave keep off alcohol and enjoy a more pleasurable and optimistic life will help, as well as advice for myself on how to cope with his mood swings. I usually try to rationalize and think – this isn’t Dave speaking, it is his abstinence speaking – and this helps me get some distance and keep strong even when things aren’t going right.
Thank you in advance for any words, they will surely be a help and a comfort.
All the best,
Melissa

Answer
Hi Melissa,

Bev here. Your question has not been answered for quite awhile, so I picked it up.

You sound like a very caring person and that's why you're trying so hard to understand Dave, his alcohol abuse and his background.

However, be assured that the 'drinking Dave' is the same person as the 'hangover Dave'. Dave's an alcoholic. The problem with Anabuse is that many alcoholics don't take it, because if they drink, they will get very sick. He not only has to want to stop drinking, he also has to do it.

That being said, you cannot 'help' him stay sober. He's the one who has to do the work as well as reach out to others in his situation . The way to help him is to insist that he gets the help he needs, because he's killing himself. Encourage him to go to AA meetings and eventually get a sponsor to call when he gets cravings.

You have to be firm with this, otherwise you're enabling him.

Here's more information on that: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

AA will also help him get through the issues with family and the past. This is done by doing the 12 Steps, but you also need help, because you're struggling too.

Al-anon meetings would be very good for you. These meetings are for family members of alcoholics. The members will welcome you and you'll be able to find the answers you need to really help him turn his life around.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best to you

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com