Expert: Di English - 11/22/2011

Question
My husband and I are so tired and feel so torn down by our son Chris,he has been drinking for about 15 years.We have made the mistake of thinking years ago that he was just a normal young guys that liked to party, but it got to where he needed to drink every day. We have had him arrested , we have begged him, we have kicked him out , and I would see him and it would break my heart and I would bring him home and of course he would PROMISE to stop drinking and look for a job , he has prob only working 3 years of his entire life and lost all of them because of alcohol. I love him so much and when he is sober he has the biggest heart I want him to be that person again always. We threaten him if we smell alcohol on him he has to leave,so he switch to drinking energy drinks that are fruit flavored and have 12% alcohol so we cant smell it, but he becomes so violent and load and angry,he isnt the same son I love so much. Hejust went on a binge a week ago for about one and half weeks ,and begged to come home so we gave in , his dad wrote out a list of the "RULES" he had to follow while living back at home, of course he agreed, and he did good until tonight and its like here we go again, I dont know how a true alcoholic can be ok and sober for a week or two and then just chose to drink, I am so afraid for him, but just dont know what to do anymore , PLEASE help , tell me what to do. Thank You another mom with a broken heart and a broken son.

Answer
Hi Judie

I am very sorry to hear your sad story and I can relate to everything you have said. Alcoholism is a horrible disease that impacts on the whole family often with dire consequences.  Whilst your son is still the same person that you have loved for so long, unfortunately because of the alcohol that he consumes, his behavior is not.

Alcohol and many other addictive drugs are mind altering substances that change the way people behave and despite the fact that your son has periods when he doesn’t drink the times that he goes out on binges far exceeds the good times.

As a mother myself I know how much we want the very best for our children when they are young and as they progress into adulthood and it is very painful when we see them going down a road of self-destruction. It is second nature for us to want to fix things and to rescue them and to protect them from harm but we need to remind ourselves that they are adults who need to take responsibility for their own actions.

You have clearly been doing your very best in setting boundaries with extremely serious consequences such as calling the police and kicking him out from home yet he still manipulates you into taking him back and continuing to drink despite making “promises” to the contrary.

When people drink to excess over many years as your son has done, their emotional growth is stunted and they behave very much like children and we in turn tend to respond in the same way. Think of this, if a child keeps jumping off a high wall and you keep putting a mattress under him he will continue to jump but if you take that mattress away he soon discovers how much it hurts when there is nothing to break the fall.

So is it with alcoholics. As you continue to rescue and protect your son you are preventing him from experiencing the painful consequences of his drinking. In my experience it is only when things get too painful or there is a crisis that an individual seeks help from the professionals.

I support you to continue to set firm boundaries with clear consequences if you those boundaries are broken and most importantly you must follow through. That, of course, is the hardest part for you as parents and I would suggest that you get some support for yourself to assist you to stay strong and to maintain your sanity. I strongly recommend that you consider going to an Al-Anon meeting where you will meet others in similar circumstances as yourselves and from whom you will gain support. You will find details of your nearest Al-Anon meeting on the Internet.

I have enormous empathy for anyone who has the disease/mental disorder of alcoholism but one cannot excuse the totally unacceptable behavior that goes along with it. With the right treatment, professional help and attendance at Alcoholics Anonymous people can and do get well. They have a choice. We cannot change them, only they can change themselves. They first need to accept that they have a problem and then take responsibility for their own actions and the outcomes.

As hard as it may seem, you need to stop rescuing your son and allow him to feel the consequences of his behavior.

Put the oxygen mask on yourself first and take care of yourselves.

I wish you well.

Di English