Expert: Erin Madigan Stathis, LMHC, NCC - 11/20/2011

Question
Hi Erin, my husband drinks almost nightly by himself before he comes home in the evening.  it seems he has just enough to take the edge off.  he drives home and usually can function at home.  i can always smell it.  
my question to you is how do i help him get help?  it seems i am the only one who notices this behavior, because i live with him.  the next day he acts like nothing is wrong with him.
he is very forgetful.  he is an amazing husband in all other aspects of life.  but i know he is dependent on alcohol, or at least for self medicating.  it has affected us on various occasions.
he was coming home quite buzzed last year, until I confronted it and he slowed it down.  
i don't want to be the one confronting.  i don't know how to handle the situation.  do i live with this?  he wants to.
i don't think it can be healthy and i know it will only cause problems for us down the road.  
do i act as if it is all ok the next morning, like he does???  I'm angry.
thank you, kathy

Answer
Hi Kathy,
Thanks for your question.  Unfortunately, I get it a lot.  The fact is, what you are describing is not something that will go away on its own.  Ignoring it or pretending its not happening will only make things worse.  The reality is that his drinking is causing problems for you both, by your own report of the situation.  If your husband is dependent on alcohol, and (though I have no way of diagnosing him without meeting him) it seems that he may be, he will need to get help to stop drinking... and you can't force him to do that.  When people are addicted to alcohol, drinking has changed their brain function.  Their bodies consider alcohol as important as air or food, and they'll do anything to keep getting it.  This includes lying about drinking, trying to hide it, denying that they have a problem and more.

I've answered similar questions to yours in the past, so below I will quote myself from other questions.  This information absolutely pertains to you and your situation:

"The only way people change is when the consequences of drinking outweigh the benefits.  It's sometimes called "hitting your bottom," meaning they've fallen so far they've hit bottom and from there, there's nowhere to go but up.  

When someone has hit their bottom, the consequences of the addiction are so great and they've caused so much loss that there is no choice but to change the behavior.  The thing is, everyone has different "bottoms."  For some, the bottom is marriage problems or losing relationships, for some it is losing jobs, cars, sometimes people have to lose everything.  The bottom line is, unless your husband considers the consequences of his drinking so great that he must stop, he won't.  This is a very difficult thing for loved ones to understand and cope with.  

If you want to accelerate the process of him hitting his bottom (and beginning to want to change), then in no way should you help him cushion the falls the alcohol causes. For instance, if you cover for him when he's drinking - with others or work, if you bail him out if arrested, if you pay the price for his drinking in any way, you're stopping him from feeling consequences and cushioning the fall.  This is called "enabling" the addiction, and sometimes loved ones do this without realizing it.  Tolerating his bad behavior does not do him any favors and can delay the time when he finally seeks help.

Alcoholism is a family disease, meaning it affects everyone in the family.  I would suggest you seek treatment yourself as well, either through a counselor or through a self-help group like Al-Anon.  Al-Anon is a group for the loved ones of alcoholics.  There are meetings all over the country.  Here is a link to find a meeting near you:  

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

It is crucial for family members to understand this disease, for their own sanity and to make sure they are not contributing to the problem."  

You are on the right track because you are asking questions and gathering information.  It is common for family members to contribute to denial of the problem.  It is important that you try not to do that and consult with an addiction specialist near you. Find a counselor FOR YOU, regardless of whether or not your husband will.  Make sure they are an addictions specialist and can talk to you about codependency and enabling.  Google these two things and read as much about it as you can.

I hope this helps and I wish you and your husband peace.
Sincerely,
Erin M. Stathis, LMHC, NCC