Expert: Clyde - 11/28/2011

Question
My boyfriend is now 2 years sober. we were together for almost 2 years before he stopped drinking and went into AA. then we got back together a little over a year after we broke up and been back together almost a year again. we moved out of state due to his job in the military. he was thinking about asking me to marry him back in may but decided not to because his sponsor said to wait for a little while after we moved. now that we are moved and some what settled he has a new sponsor and my boyfriend and i talked and i asked him if we were even on the same page as far as marriage. he said he had to ask permission from his sponsor to do anything in our relationship is that correct? and why so?

Answer
Melissa,
   Thank you for your questions.  They are very valid ones coming from the other side of alcoholism - those affected by the disease.  Your boyfriend is right and wrong to have the opinion he does about sponsor approval/disapproval of a recovering person's personal decisions.  Let me try to give some reasons for "right" and some for "wrong."

   Right - we, as alcoholics did not make the wisest decisions in our drinking days.  I'll chalk most of it up to lack of maturity in our thinking (I believe that alcohol interrupts the growth cycle of maturity).  That being said, our decisions on major life issues got us into trouble.  We go to sponsors for their "experience, strength and hope" with the understanding that they can help us ferret out selfish, self-seeking thinking (i.e. are our motives pure and are we sufficiently aware of what the consequences are for our actions?, for instance.)  we want to avoid the past mistakes of not rationally thinking through things.  Good sponsors, however, offer this experience strength and hope without strings attached (i.e., here are some things to think about but the decision lies with the sponsee - not the sponsor.)  Otherwise, sponsors become too involved in our lives and can prevent us from learning and growing through our own decisions be they ones that offer pure joy or pure misery and all the things in between.

   Wrong - the alcoholic must learn to be absolutely honest.  If we feel that we are not ready to further a relationship or continue it, it is up to us to recognize the negative impact our failure to be honest may have on those relationships.  If we are ready for marriage, for instance, so be it. If we are not, then we face that and share from the heart with absolute honesty.  We do not stand behind excuses (i.e. an excuse CAN be "my sponsor says no,"  etc.)  If your boyfriend is not telling you HIS feelings and HIS thoughts - not those of the sponsor, then he may be on the right path - just listening to good sound counsel as he matures and grows.  This is good thing because he is allowing someone he trusts to help him grow up.  IT can turn "wrong" and negative if the sponsor is dictating the moves the person wants to make, because......

    Ultimately, it is for each recovering alcoholic to listen to - not the sponsor - but one's own Higher Power whomever he/she may call that entity - and make the decision led by that source.  That sounds all quite simple but it, of course, is more complex than that.

    Let me end with my truth in just this matter.... married from 1978 - 1996; found sobriety in 1994, my wife left me in 1996; decided to remarry in 1997 (my sponsor said "no!") and I was jilted at the altar; decided to remarry in 1998 (didn't tell my sponsor - I broke off the engagement); decided to remarry twice in 2000 - 2001 (didn't tell my sponsor); one wouldn't marry me, one DID!  My sponsor learned of this when he saw my new bride and I in the airport!!  Was he surprised.  The marriage ended with her leaving me in 2005.  Would I tell you it was a mistake to have married this wonderful lady?  Absolutely not!! Still love her to this day, felt led to marry her (and all the rest), was God's plan as far as I am concerned.  Have been sober all these many days since April 15, 1994, have no need to drink or escape life - it has been fun even with the heartache of relationships breaking up.

    Moral of the story - we have not control over what anyone else chooses to do with their life.

    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde