Expert: Beverley Glazer - 11/19/2011

Question
ive been with my boyfrind on and off for 3 years anad all those years ive known that he drinks alot.. about 2 months ago ive moved in with him and every time he comes from work he drinks a least a six pack of beer and on weekend he drinks till hes drunk..i tell him that he might have a problem with alcohol but he says no that if he drinks during the week its because hes tired..oh and forgot to mention that when he gets drunk we ALWAYS end up arguing about something.. it's like beer gives him courage.. in the past he has gotten 2 dui's and has gone to jail the AA meetings and apparently nothing has helped.. i love him but don't know if i can take it any longer.. how can i and his family help him?

Answer
Hi Adriana,

It's obvious that your boyfriend has a problem, however, it's not obvious to him. This is what we call denial. Although he's gotten 2 DUI's, gone to jail etc. nothing has worked because he STILL doesn't believe he has a drinking problem. He gives himself excuses.

No matter what you or the family does to help, it won't work. He has to see that he needs help because he can't do it alone. He must realize that alcohol is ruining his life, as well as his relationship with you and the family.

The way to help him, is by not 'helping' him -- ex. stand up to him. Do not make excuses for him, give him lifts when he's drunk, that type of thing. He has to suffer consequences of his behavior. Often when we think we're helping, we are actually enabling.

Here is more information on this: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

It would also help you and the family to go to Al-anon. These meetings are for family members of alcoholic/addicts and they will empower you to stand firm and not put up with his malipulation and dysfunction.

Also if you can't take living with him, move out -- but don't come back. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him you love him and you want to be with him, but you can't live this way and if  he doesn't turn his life around, you're moving on. The family must also stand up to him.

An ultimatum is often the wake-up call that is necessary for him to get help.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com