Expert: Di English - 11/23/2011

Question
Hi Di English,

I have been with my boyfriend for one year, and we have had ups and downs due to his alcoholism (of which I did not know about until a few months into the relationship). During our year together, he became more belligerant with his behavior while drinking, and it culminating one night with his drinking a fifth of bourbon, blacking out and becoming violent. He physically hurt me and I was afraid of being seriously injured, eventually getting away from him and calling the police. I never expected this to happen, as he had never laid a finger on me before. He was not "himself."

Once he got out of jail, he entered AA and wanted to for the first time in his life get sober for himself. That he was sick of the drinking and pain it caused his family and me. He said that he did not know it was me that night, that "I" faded into nothing and he would have attacked anyone present. Having attended several open meetings with him, I allowed my trust to re-build little by little over the last few months. He had one relapse without me present, but got right back on track.

However, it is always in the back of my mind what he did to me that night. Certainly anything could happen again. Do I give him this chance? I have been, one day at a time. He is a good person and takes care of me. We are friends and love each other deeply. Am I wrong to give him this chance? Thank you.

Jane

Answer
Hi Jane

It’s never a good thing to hear about someone who has been physically abusive whilst under the influence of alcohol and it is, unfortunately, not uncommon. Alcohol is a mind altering substance which when taken in excess changes the behavior of someone in quite uncharacteristic ways, as you have experienced.  

What your boyfriend said about not knowing it was you and that he would have attacked anyone present may well be true because he was clearly in a very bad state of intoxication and out of control. However, this is still totally unacceptable behavior.

Currently, it would seem that he is motivated to do the right things and is attending AA with the intention of staying sober. He has obviously been punished by going to gaol and for many alcoholics that is enough for them to do their utmost to stay on track. Although he has, to your knowledge, relapsed once, he has taken action to get back on track and that is a good sign that he means what he says.

I would suggest that you do not ask him to make promises to stay sober because that is something he cannot promise to himself. Alcoholism is a mental disorder and relapses are not uncommon, even for people who have had long periods of sobriety but with the right support and regular and frequent attendance at AA individuals can manage this disease and lead healthy and meaningful lives.

Obviously, the physical attack on you has left a scar and will always be there at the back of your mind and no-one can tell you that it will never happen again. I personally believe in giving someone a second chance, but after such an attack as you have experienced, others would not agree and only you can make the choice of whether to stay or go.

Any form of violence is completely unacceptable so if you choose to stay, you need to be absolutely clear about your boundaries and your boyfriend needs to understand the consequences of any repeated abusive behavior.

Your friends and family will most likely want to support you by giving advice one way or the other – that is only natural – but the decision HAS to come from you.

Whatever you choose, be open honest and direct with your boyfriend and let him know that you support him in his sobriety but not in his drinking.

I wish you well.

Di English