Expert: Steven T. Brittain - 12/20/2011

Question
Hi. I moved in with my boyfriend about 8 months ago because we were planning on getting married. I slowly started to realize that his "night out with the guys" was actually an excuse to get drunk. He comes home extremely drunk and sometimes can be aggressive with me. Frankly, I hate drinking and I'm not a drinker. I have asked him to stop because I want him to get a job and get serious about our potential marriage and future children. He says he will stop drinking when we have kids! This is a total lie! He thinks he will be able to stop when we have kids? Why can't he stop now? Also, mind you, when I first met him I thought he was just casually having a few beers with the guys. I had no idea that he was getting fall down drunk. The other night is when it was the last straw for me. He was out drinking on football sunday all day long, came home extremely drunk, starting vomiting over and over again, then got up and went out to drink more!

I asked him the next day why he did that and the only response was that he wasn't thinking clearly and he shouldn't have done that.

Why can't he stop?? He says he wishes he could but doesn't think he can. He said he's afraid he won't have friends anymore or he thinks he will be miserable without it.

Couple things to take into account:
1. He and I never drink at home together or at dinner
2. He never drinks by himself
3. He ONLY drinks when he with his friends


All of what was stated above, why can't he stop? Why does he hold his friendships higher than me as his future wife????

Also, he did say he was very lonely in high school and didn't have any friends.

He told me every woman in his life has left him due to his hanging out and drinking with his friends.

I'm at my wits end. I want him to love me enough to stop and he doesn't. What can you make of this??

Thanks,

Amy

Answer
Hi Amy,

I am not a therapist. I have been on the other side of the fence and I work with addicts daily.

BIG RED FLAG...alcoholism is a progressive disease. This is the best it gets. The disease will only get worse. It's the only disease that wants you dead.

Most addicts are controlling, manipulative, hyper-sensitive and highly intelligent. Does this describe your boyfriend? I cannot tell  you for sure if your boyfriend has a drinking problem. Can he only have one drink? How often does he drink and how much?

In my opinion, you should contact AA or AL-ANON and ask them what they think. I'm sure they will agree that there are definite signs of addictive thinking. If this is the case you have a couple of choice:

1/ Leave him and don't look back until he has one year of sobriety under his belt and let him know you will leave him if he drinks again

2/ Get married but take heed...this is as good as it gets...it will get progressively worse. Are you ready for the responsibility?

Sorry for being blunt but there are no exceptions to the rules. Be very careful...your next move will lay the foundation for your station in life.

I hope this helps

Steve