Expert: Charlie H - 12/13/2011

Question
Gday Charlie, I am in love with a woman that drinks almost daily and quite heavily. I do not know which way to turn. Bobby (my girl) says she has no problem with drink and can go a few days without a drink. Am I wrong to want her to stop, can I help her to stop? We have only been together 3 months. I am lost.

Answer
Hello,

I'm sorry for your pain and am glad you wrote.

You are not as lost as you feel. That you asked for help indicates (some) clarity and willingness.

"I Am I wrong to want her to stop?" you ask. No, you're not wrong. "Why" you want her to stop only you can say, but that is not important at the moment. There may be many reasons: it makes you uncomfortable, you don't like to see Bobby cause harm to herself, etc. But, for now you may remain comfortable in your desire to see her stop. Refraining from articulating this (for now) is probably a good idea. But, now what? This brings us to your next question: Can I help her to stop? The answer is "Yes," you may try to help her, but you have some work to do first.

Alcoholism is a family disease. One person drinking in the household affects all who live there. You may have noticed that some of your decision making takes into account Bobby's drinking behavior before you act. Even if you've "only been together 3 months," your query indicates a commitment to your relationship. So, what's next?

You may want to check out your local Al-Anon Family Groups chapter (see link below). This is a fellowship of folks who love alcoholics. The process used in AlAnon gets to the bottom of our motives. We want the alcoholic to stop drinking. But, are our motives altruistic or selfish? When we become clear of our motives, the home environment becomes healthier and our decision making around the drinker becomes more effective.

http://www.al-anon.org/australia/

An alcoholic is not defined by how much she drinks. The simple single symptom is can the drinker stay stopped? An alcoholic may stop and stay stopped for a long period of time. You may gauge the drinker by their moods when there is no alcohol in their system. Is she restless, irritable, and/or discontented? It may be that Bobby is simply a heavy drinker.

But what's important now is that it makes you uncomfortable. So I hope you will take a look at this. After, you gain some clarity you may look at things differently. I hope you find some answers and some peace.

Good luck,

Charlie