Expert: Druideck - 12/28/2011

Question
What is the percentage of a marriage staying together when one alcoholic stops drinks and the other doesn't? The other is the wife who has at least two glasses of alcohol per day?

Answer
Hi Mark,

The percentage depends on many factors so is not a good indcator
for success in marriage. Recovery from alcoholism requires
a new program for living and is a very emotional process.

As an alcoholic makes changes and adjusts to his or her life
style changes it can be difficult for the other
spouse to adapt. It helps if they can practise healthy
detachment which is being aware of each other as separate
human beings with a right to live without being controlled
by the other. If you are used to being in each other's
life business than this can be hard.

The success of any relationship depends on how much
you both are willing to work at it. This can be too
much with the added strain of working at sobriety
and the other still practising alcoholic behaviours.

I believe one of the biggest problems lies in the
one spouse starting to grow emotionally in sobriety
while the other is stuck in the slower
development that occurs while drinking.

The differences in emotional experience and mental awareness
between the two spouses soon creates a separation that
results in a lack of desire to be together.
This just happens and often you may not know
why you were together initially.

As I mentioned it depends on many factors
but usually it is hard to grow as a person while
drinking. Alcoholics remain stuck at the emotional
age they started drinking and cannot really
handle a mature relationship without some
recovery and personal growth.

When the pain is greater than the rewards of being
together then the marriage may start to fail.

If you both are willing to accept the other as they
are at each stage of this process and allow each
other the space to be without controlling then
you might have a chance.

Remember that alcoholism is a chronic illness and
can result in insanity or death at some point.
This factor can end the relationship eventually as well.

Live one moment at a time as no one can guarantee or
live in the future until it arrives as the present moment.
You each have today only to learn and grow together or apart.
Even the odds will not make the future secure for you,
only you can work on that one day at a time.

Luck!
Druideck
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