Expert: Di English - 12/3/2011

Question
Greetings of the day,
I am not aware of anything to do with alcohol as this is the first case I have ever dealt with. I just do not know how to handle the insecurity and general fear that exists while being with an alcoholic. I wish the world for this person and also believe that he has great potential. We were about to get married when the drinking just got out of hand and he was forcibly sent to a  rehab by his family members. He begged and he pleaded not to send  him to the rehab, his parents thought it was the right thing to do. Before leaving in our conversations he said never ever send me to a rehab. I am extremely scared of the outcome after three months. I wouldn't be able to accept bitterness and anger as I am just too naive and new in this matter, I am not able to accept and believe the world of wrong things that people say and think about him. My hope and courage only asks me to have faith, yet at the same time the circumstances in which this happened scares me that I may be a victim to something I haven't been much responsible for........I love this person immensely, other than advising me to run away from this matter(that was an advice given to me by an AA member), I would take any advice that you may have to give. Please help...i am unable to sleep in the nights out of the pleading that rings in my ears, I do not know anything about what people do in a rehab....why are they kept in such extreme form of isolation, the emotional, physical, psychological impact of a rehab....I am sooo scared...I don't even know when I'll see his face and even when that happens would he want to see my face. Please help!

Answer
Hi Sherin

You are not alone in having fear and reservations about marrying this man that who you understand to be an alcoholic.

Alcoholism is a powerful and complex disease and the affected person will do anything to maintain his habit. Using excuses and blaming others for their drinking, especially those closest to them, are particularly characteristic as are the lies, the excuses and the denial that there is anything wrong. It is much easier to blame someone else for everything that’s going wrong in your life than taking responsibility for your own actions.

His family have clearly recognised these behaviours and have therefore persuaded or forced him to go into rehab. Unfortunately, this is unlikely to work because rehab is not a “fix it” and the only way that an alcoholic will stop drinking is when he has desire to do so and takes responsibility for himself.

Rehab is a place where the affected person can get professional help and support to develop the skills that will assist him on the road to recovery. It’s a process and a journey and the only one that can make it happen is the alcoholic himself. Unfortunately when in active addiction, alcoholics lack order and discipline and generally don’t like the restrictions that are put on them particularly when in denial, as I suggest is the case with your boyfriend.

Abstinence is the foundation principle for most alcohol rehabilitation programs with education being an important part of the recovery process. All rehabs vary to a degree but most include group therapy dealing with improving their self-esteem, recognizing what triggers their drinking and how to manage cravings and impulsive thoughts.

Some programmes are very comprehensive and incorporate CBT and other aspects of life skills that will support their recovery and help them to maintain abstinence. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy gives the individuals the opportunity to talk (often in a group setting) about how they think about themselves, the world and other people and how what they do affects their thoughts and feelings.

They also learn about the disease of alcoholism, addiction and the physical effects of alcohol abuse and most importantly how to take personal responsibility.

Rehab is not a holiday camp and because of the behaviors associated with alcohol abuse they generally have strict rules to adhere to and if your boyfriend does not like that he will find excuses and faults with it.

I support you to think very seriously about how you want your life to be. In many cases, the people closest to the alcoholic are the ones who suffer the most and I have seen many go downhill physically, mentally and emotionally when they have continued to get caught up in the alcoholic madness. AA members have a good understanding of the disease and if one of them has suggested that you walk away then I would suggest that they would have good reason to say so but at the end of the day only you can make such a decision.

There are thousands of alcoholics all over the world who have accepted their disease and sought help from the professionals along with support from AA, who have stopped drinking and are now live healthy and fulfilling lives.

Do not listen to promises. Alcoholics cannot make promises to themselves let alone to others, such is the power of this disease. Only when your boyfriend acknowledges and accepts his disease and stops drinking are things likely to change.

You will find it helpful to go to an Al-Anon meeting where you will get a better understanding and support from others in similar situations as yourself. You will find a meeting near you on the Internet.

I wish you well.

Di English