Expert: Andrew Park - 12/30/2011

Question
I've been involved with a man for 17 mo. in a serious, long-term relationship. We both are in recovery - me with alcohol and him with crack and alcohol. We are also both nurses and in a monitoring program which means we will see each other once weekly whether we are together or not. I have been sober for almost 3 years, no relapse, and thrilled with my alcohol-free life. He has been sober since 2007 at which time he did relapse. We knew each other previously before dating through work and the program. It started out serious and though we had some rough patches is was a mutually loving relationship. I've noticed some changes lately like avoidance of intimacy and closeness. He usually blows off my attempts to talk but the last time he said he didn't think he ever wanted to live or marry anyone else. He said this happened with his last girlfriend - says he still loves me very much but just doesn't want to see me as much - wants more alone time. He has totally changes all rules where he used to want me with him all the time. He is defensive and not open to communication - also mood swings when he is angry retreats into himself and will not speak for days. Seems like major narcissistic behavior or maybe signs of impending relapse? Leaning toward ending relationship since there's no future in it. I'm 46 & he's 58 - we both have grown kids. We both attend nurse support groups and 3-4 AA's/wk. though not together.

Answer
Karen, my apologies for my delay responding. You have the ability to guide yourself with this life crisis. The first and most accessible way is to; TRUST YOUR GUT!~ If your instincts are acknowledged, it will, as our instincts will do, give you the answer you don't want to acknowledge, you will wind up regretting it, as you probably have done before. Your gut will answer according to the "needs" not wants. Instincts  respond to the best overall way that keeps you safe. It's important to be honest and recognize and TRUST it.  How does someone learn to separate the "voice" and felt sense of the GUT, from other "voices" in your whole self ?(mind and body) The best way to actually "see" this as an observer is to imagine that your best friend is in the same dilemma and has asked for your guidance. What would you say? Or instead of best friend, your daughter or any female family member? Wouldn't you say the very best guidance that would help her stay safe yet not avoid or evade facing the issue, right?Why wouldn't you act on that too?
Try that first and remember; you  have done this yourself by facing your addiction with courage and conviction, which reveal your ability to be true to yourself and not let your attachment to alcohol and crack hijack your healthy self.  Have you assessed the fragility of your actual abstinence from the substances? I have been treating these problems for over  20 years, and my experience has been that women  are mired in a relationship issue that that they have no ability to solve, wind up in full blown relapse; the worst trigger is the strong emotions of relationships. This includes the group who's partner is  MIRED IN CYCLES OF RELAPSE; THIS GROUP HAS BEEN `100% FALLEN  INTO FULL RELAPSE MODE.  The most obvious danger and the first skill is to "AVOID PEOPLE PLACES AND THINGS."  For some reason that gets so lost when the worst trigger is a love object!! ( It is a double addiction now; drugs and men!) This makes it impossible to admit what the worst danger is; and not recognize it when it's sleeping with you at night!! Feelings are not rational in crisis;  they are the worst basis for decision making! Instead; look at your thoughts and challenge  their irrationality. This is a lesson, as all life's' problems are. You cannot "pass  or fail" this lesson, but you will stay STUCK and not move your life forward until  you face and learn the lesson.  Then you move on to the next lesson. You got sober because using was more discomfort than not using.  Right?  Now ask yourself about the same thing regarding your current partner?
Guard your hard earned sobriety no matter what!! Your recovery is best served in the first years of this wonderful new life by making decisions ONLY based on  WHAT'S BEST FOR YOUR RECOVERY!!! The basic foundation is based on abstinence from any substance!!! IT IS THE ELEMENT THAT KEEPS THE PORTAL DOOR OPEN TO THE CLARITY AND ENJOYMENT OF LIFE!!  You are missing a better, more interesting life when you hitch your heart to the same old cart, it is just a different cart with the same driver.
I hope this helps, please reply if you want to,
Andrew Park LCSW-ATOD