Expert: Charlie H - 12/14/2011

Question
My 30 year old stepson is in a 28 day residential program for alcoholism, he has been there about 10 days.  Just a brief history-he has abused alcohol I think since high school, he's had 2 DUI's, has wrecked 3 cars, he's injured himself many times,  has not been able to keep a job, has a filthy house and generally has always been dysfunctional.  He is very bright, college educated  and has a very supportive family. He does have underlying depression and GAD.  His mother was an alcoholic and died a few years ago in her early 50's, suddenly, most likely alcohol related (she rupture something and bled to death in minutes).

After the 2nd DUI, his sisters and father decided to stage an intervention and it was successful and he is now in rehab.  

My concern is this-I do not sense he is taking it seriously.  I feel he is trying to placate us, endure it for the 28 days, then get back to his "real life" and get us off his back.  I am the one person, I think, well, me and his psychologist who can tell when he is evading or  he is very charming and a really good liar and his dad is a bit clueless about it-I can always tell when he is on something or is high, his dad never can...He told us he doesn't really feel he "belongs" there, I imagine this is very typical reaction...but what if he doesn't ever feel he really is an addict and need to be in recovery despite official diagnoses from doctors, his life and all the alcohol related events?

My fear is he will return early next month and go back to his old habits.  I think he feels bad that he has caused us stress and unhappiness but is not 100% convinced of his addiction and accepting of the fact that he must never drink again.  

What must happen to convince him, what can we do?

Answer
Dear Cathy,

Thank you for writing. I am sorry for your dilemma.

Your experience with your step-son is textbook. Your response to the circumstances is typical and you've articulated it clearly. The man (step-son) you describe was once me. I understand your problem and will offer you a concrete solution.

Your question is: What must happen to convince him, what can we do?

This is the wrong question. Let me explain why.

You have already done all you can do. Kudos to you and the father #your husband# for staging an intervention! Unfortunately, human help on the part of you and your husband has been exhausted (almost). (Since the intervention was successful, it is my guess that your step-son still had something left to lose; something over which you held power: phone, car, car insurance,  etc...)

Your concern that he is not taking his alcoholism seriously is perceptive. You are right, he is not. This is simply what we call 'denial.' Never underestimate the power of denial. Alcoholism is a family disease. Your husband is making decisions based on your step-son's alcoholism. As humans, we tend to take the path of least resistance to maintain comfort #avoid discomfort, really# Your earnest willingness to look at he truth is difficult for most people. Your husband and step son are very fortunate to have you in their lives.

I am charming and smart. And, the very best liar. I have recovered from alcoholism and don't pull that con anymore. Your step-son is right where he should be.He #and you# are ahead of the game. Most alcoholics never make it to treatment or a single meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. My Dad died an alcoholic death at 66. He had been to two meetings in his life. I brought him to both. The New York Medical Examiner listed the cause of death as "heart attack," not "alcoholism." Your step-son is an alcoholic of the "hopeless" variety. #Technically, we are not to diagnose one another. The concrete test for alcoholism is this: When the drinker vows to quit, CAN HE STAY STOPPED? If you've ever heard a promise to quit, he is probably alcoholic. Conversely, if you haven't heard such a vow, this doesn't mean he isn't alcoholic.#The dynamics in the treatment center in which he is staying may break down his ego. They are aware of his resistance, lip service, and defensiveness. Let me repeat that: resistance, lip service, & defensiveness. If he is still there, they are working on breaking it down. This deflation of the ego may happen at anytime. Or, you may be right: he will do his time and return to the same habits.

The chances for success aren't very good. That's the bad news. The good news is this: if he ever gets sober, the present experience will have played a part. If treatment doesn't take, all is not lost.

And, your question, "What must happen to convince him" is, as I said, the wrong question. You've done all you can. Except: IF HE DEPENDS ON YOU FOR ANY KIND OF SUPPORT, IT IS TIME TO WITHHOLD IT. Alcoholism is chronic, progressive, and fatal. Any continued assistance in his drinking is enabling and will contribute to his death. It is vital we do not enable alcoholics.

The correct question Cathy now is , What can you do to help yourself? We must not be invested anymore in the outcomes of our drinking loved ones. You've done all you can. You can't even help your husband and his co-alcoholism. The only thing you can do now is set an example and take care of yourself. You've already started doing that. You've earnestly asked for help. Please continue to seek it for yourself so that you may be ready in the instance your step son becomes ready himself.

Check out Al-Anon #the link below#. If the rehab is local and they have a family program, please attend. And, monitor the disposition of your step-son. If he demonstrates willingness #this is kind of tricky because this is when our lying talents come in handy#---and, you believe him continue to support him emotionally. But, if he demonstrates resistance or defensiveness, pull away and MAKE CLEAR TO HIM HE IS ON HIS OWN.

Good luck, Cathy. You are in the most difficult of situations. But, you are doing better than you think. Please continue.  I hope you have a little hope today. I am always available if you have further questions. As the holiday is upon us, I pray for peace for all of you.

Charlie

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/