Expert: Clyde - 2/15/2011

Question
Hello Clyde,

Please please help me.  My ex left me 4 years ago 2 weeks into a rehab program.  He relapsed after one year of sobriety.  Since then, he has dated other woman but comes and goes in my life.  I know I'm the one allowing him to enter, thinking things will be different.  Every time he does call he's drunk and has a problem.  He's has gotten his 3rd and 4th DWI, lost a job, just stupid drunk stuff.  He calls to tell me his problem, I of course being the "caregiver/co-dependent" one always tries to console him.  Then, he just stops calling.  We hang out, have a great time then he just disappears and so does his phone number.  This last time around I was the one that contacted him after tracking him down.  I saw him for 2 days tried to call him and he yelled at me.  He now wants nothing to do with me.  I can't take it anymore.  I've been to al-anon, coda, therapists, read all kinds of self help books.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  In the last four years we have both changed our numbers but we always get back in contact.  When I see him, and he walks out of my life again, I get horrible withdraws and can't function for a month or two.  I am addicted to this man.  The crazy thing is I'm content with seeing him once in a while and keeping in contact.  When he won't keep in contact with me or blame me for the wrong in his life it drives me crazy.  He has threatened to change his number again, and has said that he's going to stay sober.  I've heard this over and over again from this man.  My question is, if he's so happy in his life with other females, why does he come around and bother me?  I know the answer to my question I think, it's because I allow him to.  But is there any other answer?  I have gone insane and I don't know what to do.  I'm also worried that I'll NEVER hear from him again.  Which would probably be the best thing for me.  I've tried to ask him for closure, but he feels like he's given me closure.  I can't do this anymore.  Please help me.
Lena

Answer
Lena,
  Thank you for your questions and for the explanation of the situation.  You know the answer much as he knows the answer - you are both addictive personalities living in the throes of the untreated disease.  In all you have experienced in therapies and groups and readings there is one central teaching waiting for you to grasp.  That central teaching is - when are you going to "hit your bottom" and decide that life does not work for you the way you have been living it?

   Each person who suffers from addictive behavior has to face this question.  The answer can only be given by the individual.

   I wish you the best in making the decision, which ever way you choose, because I know for me it could only be done by me.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde