Expert: Beverley Glazer - 2/15/2011

Question
Please please help me.  My ex left me 4 years ago 2 weeks into a rehab program.  He relapsed after one year of sobriety.  Since then, he has dated other woman but comes and goes in my life.  I know I'm the one allowing him to enter, thinking things will be different.  Every time he does call he's drunk and has a problem.  He's has gotten his 3rd and 4th DWI, lost a job, just stupid drunk stuff.  He calls to tell me his problem, I of course being the "caregiver/co-dependent" one always tries to console him.  Then, he just stops calling.  We hang out, have a great time then he just disappears and so does his phone number.  This last time around I was the one that contacted him after tracking him down.  I saw him for 2 days tried to call him and he yelled at me.  He now wants nothing to do with me.  I can't take it anymore.  I've been to al-anon, coda, therapists, read all kinds of self help books.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  In the last four years we have both changed our numbers but we always get back in contact.  When I see him, and he walks out of my life again, I get horrible withdraws and can't function for a month or two.  I am addicted to this man.  The crazy thing is I'm content with seeing him once in a while and keeping in contact.  When he won't keep in contact with me or blame me for the wrong in his life it drives me crazy.  He has threatened to change his number again, and has said that he's going to stay sober.  I've heard this over and over again from this man.  My question is, if he's so happy in his life with other females, why does he come around and bother me?  I know the answer to my question I think, it's because I allow him to.  But is there any other answer?  I have gone insane and I don't know what to do.  I'm also worried that I'll NEVER hear from him again.  Which would probably be the best thing for me.  I've tried to ask him for closure, but he feels like he's given me closure.  I can't do this anymore.  Please help me.
Lena

Answer
Hi Lena,

As you know, this is a typical codependency issue. You've gone to therapists, read the books, done the programs, and although this man is driving you crazy, you still can't let go.

You are in love with the fantasy, not the reality. The reality is that this guy has serious problems, has other women in his life but keeps contact with you because you're there  unconditionally.

Each time he comes back into your life, you have hope that 'this time will be different' -- but it won't.  This is not only hurtful and depressing, but it deflates your self esteem and self confidence.

On the one hand you want him to cut you off, but then you fear that you'll never hear from him again. You have to be decisive and make a decision.

Lena, you're giving him too much power to control your emotions. This relationship is going nowhere, other than driving you 'insane'. The more you play this dysfunctional game the more emotionally battered you will be.

You must build strong boundaries with this guy. Don't call him, e-mail, text etc. This will be particularly hard, but it’s the only way to re-build your self esteem and allow yourself to move on.

Here’s some more information that I hope will be helpful:
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/getting-over-relationships.html

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

All the best,
Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com