Expert: Druideck - 2/28/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hi,
We have been married for almost 23 years, but been together for 25 years.
When we fist met my husband didn't drink much as he always had his motorbike with him, if he didn't have his bike he only drank moderately for approx the first two years of our relationship.
After two years he had a bad accident on his motorbike two weeks after we moved in together and was off work for one full year.
During this year he started to drink more and after a few months he became violent when he was drunk, he never hit me but was verbally abusive and he would wreck our home.
This continued intermittently for a number of years, with times when he didn't drink being mainly happy, relaxed times although if he was angry he found it hard to control his feelings etc.
Over the years when he drank his personality would change and he would be verbally abusive towards me and our children, smash up items in the house, punch holes in walls etc.
Over the years I have tried to help him by discussing incidents the following day once he has sobered up and on one occasion I left him taking our children and dog, and went to my parents house.
He came to their house and we all talked about the issues openly as I felt safe enough to talk with my parents around
I wanted to leave him but my daughter, who was 14 years old, pleaded with me to give him another try.  He said he would never drink again and reluctantly I agreed.  I knew that I had heard it all before but as my daughter wanted to let him try again I agreed to give it another go.
My husband didn't drink for a number of months and our family life was fantastic.  However, as time went on, he would ask if he could have one drink if we had visitors.  Initially I always said no and he accepted that.  However, I began to feel like the bad one and gradually agreed for him to one or two drinks.
Since then he has made huge steps to control his anger but we have been through so many times when he has drank so much that we are all on edge waiting for something to happen.  Even our dog is nervous around him as a point when his personality changes and she can pick up on this.
Over the last year we have planned together that he would reduce the amount he drinks and I asked him to make a suggestion so it wasn't always coming from me.
He said he would only every have up to six lagers on a Friday night and on a saturday afternoon.
However, after this agreement he has manipulated this by buying large bottles of lager and/or the strongest lager he can find.  Last weekend he had twelve bottles of lager as he said it took two bottles to fill his pint glass.
I am asking for advise as I can't see any way that we will be successful at this any more.  Our daughter is now very angry and bitter towards her dad as she see's that he has not upheld his promise and our son shows signs of his personality changing when he drinks.
My husbands dad was an alcoholic who left his family when they were very young, but died recently from alcohol related dementia.
I hope you can give me some advise in ways of helping him as I can't keep going on with things the way they are.
kind regards
Wilma

ANSWER: Hi Wilma,

Let me just say that you are not alone
in this type of experience with an Alcoholic.
The struggles of many good women are documented
daily in every alcohol counsellors office.

I often hear spouses and families tell
the stories of the lies and heartbreak
they go through trying to help the alcoholic.

The primary point I try to make to you
and them is that these men are very ill.
Alcoholics are addicted to alcohol.
This means at some point in their drinking
they reach a point where they cannot control
their desire to drink.

They always come up with excuses and ways to
deceive others so they can resume drinking.
If necessary they will avoid people or
hide their drinking if possible.

In the beginning they seem to have some
choice in the matter but eventually
they lose control and will power no longer
works for them. This is why they make steadfast
promises and then always fail to keep them.

Alcoholics need a program of abstainence and
recovery to break the cycle that keeps
them addicted. They are sick mentally, physically,
emotionally and spiritually.

To recover long term all these areas need to be
addressed and the person has to develop some
desire to stop drinking.

Often the only way they reach this point is
through negative experiences. They hit an
emotional bottom where there is no place
to turn. They know it means insanity, jail or death
to continue drinking.
For some this is too much and they keep drinking
until the end comes one way or another.

It helps to understand drinking compulsively
as an addictive illness. When his promises fail
it doesn't mean they were not real, he is just
drinking because he has not sought help
or reached the point of surrender to his illness.

When he is angry or behaves strange or poorly
again it is the illness not the man inside.

Recovery is hard and very stressful to undertake.
Things could get worse before getting better.
If he is not willing to get counselling, treatment
or attend Alcoholics Anonymous then his chances
for success are limited.

Ironically, I lived in his shoes over 25 years ago.
I drove motorcycles, had a wife and two kids.
She left and came back, I lost jobs, I was jealous
and angry. I made promises and tried to quit
numerous times. I had all the problems you are having
now. I couldn't quit drinking.

My wife finally left for good and I knew it was
insanity, jail or death for me.
I gave up fighting alcohol and went to Alcoholics
Anonymous meetings. I went there instead of picking
up the drink. I learned and I grew as a person.
I gave up all the excuses I had to pick up a drink.
Suddenly, the desire to drink left me and I
was free as long as I stay away from the first drink
I behave like a normal human being should.

It was not always easy but now I try to help
others understand the trap they live in.
I hope you get something from this and
if you need help try Ala-non meetings for awhile.

You did not cause his illness and you can
only help him if he wants help.
The help he needs is available but it will
be up to him to take the first steps to get that
help.

A great show about alcoholics and AA is:
"When Love is Not Enough"
It is the story of the wife of AA's founder
Bill Wilson and her struggles to help him.

Luck to you all,

Druideck.
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---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Druideck,
Thank you so much for your reply! I am so grateful as this is the first time I have asked for advice from anyone before and to be honest, I didn't really know if I would get a reply.
I am astounded that your situation is so similar to my families!
The only question I have is, do you think my husband is an alcoholic?  I haven't though of him as an alcoholic before, or have been too frightened to say those words.
He doesn't drink during the week after on of our deals we struck up, and he has managed to follow this through for a few years now.  
Many thanks again!
kind regards
Wilma

Answer
Hi Wilma,

Just to give you an idea of your husband's
drinking history and behaviour I am going
to copy bits from your first question and
paste them here for reference:

"When we first met my husband didn't drink much"
He sounds like a social drinker here, no obscession
with alcohol and casual use.

"he only drank moderately for approx the first two years of our relationship"
He started to drink more regularly after his accident.

"after a few months he became violent when he was drunk"
"was verbally abusive and he would wreck our home"
He is starting to show a loss of control and heavier drinking patterns.

"when he drank his personality would change and he would be verbally abusive"
"smash up items in the house, punch holes in walls etc."
Continued loss of control and negative personality traits.

"I have tried to help him by discussing incidents the following day"
"left him taking our children and dog, and went to my parents house"
These are some of your efforts at controlling the uncontrollable drinker
and his negative behaviours.

"He said he would never drink again and reluctantly I agreed.  I knew that I had heard it all before"
You ignore the problems and believe he can change on his own as promised.

"we have been through so many times when he has drank so much that we are all on edge waiting for something to happen"
The family lives in fear of father's drinking behaviours.

"Even our dog is nervous around him as a point when his personality changes"
Even the dog is sensing the negative energy as alcohol abuse affects the whole family.


"we have planned together that he would reduce the amount he drinks"
"He said he would only every have up to six lagers"
"he has manipulated this by buying large bottles of lager"
"he had twelve bottles of lager as he said it took two bottles to fill his pint glass"
You both make more deals and try various things to control his alcohol use and the resulting
loss of control you fear will eventually come again.

"Our daughter is now very angry and bitter towards her dad"
He has broken more promises that at first gave the family hope.

"our son shows signs of his personality changing when he drinks"
"My husbands dad was an alcoholic"
"died recently from alcohol related dementia"
A definite hereditary influence which is common for most
alcoholics. Many people believe alcoholism could be
a genetic illness that runs in families. From father to
son or daughter but affecting people randomly.

"I can't keep going on with things the way they are"
You have exhausted all the methods you can to try
to control his drinking. All efforts have failed.
Neither he nore you can control this illness.
This is alcoholism, the whole story you
have told me is a classic tale of denial,
hope, broken promises, renewed faith,
more drinking, more denial, hopes dashed
and more deals and promises. This wheel
goes on and on until something big really
crunches all hope and either you leave
or he gets serious about quitting and getting
help to stop drinking for good.

This type of merry-go-round can go on
seemingly forever but one day
he may die as did his father from the
same unexamined, mysterious and powerful
illness.

Yes, I do believe with
all the information I listed above
that he is an alcoholic.
Strong mental blindness or denial is a number
one characteristic of alcoholics
and of spouses trying to gain control.
You want to see it differently because
that renews the hope again.
No one likes to admit loss of control
and the perceived failure it implies.
We all like to wear masks and pretend
things are okay.
Often many people have already noticed
the problem but are afraid to mention it.

Don't expect the realization to come quickly
to your husband he is wrapped in a denial
that is hard to crack.

Start building awareness by keeping notes
of drinking times, behaviour, promises, lies
or negative experiences.
Just by reading the selections I pasted
above you can see a pattern to his problem
and the way it affects your family.

Until he is ready to reach out for help with his drinking problem, all the scolding, manipulating, and controlling efforts on your part are not going to do any good whatsoever and will only cause you to get pulled further into the family disease of alcoholism.
Here is a chart of the progression of alcoholism,
you may recognize some of the changes listed:
http://www.in.gov/judiciary/ijlap/docs/jellinek.pdf


Take care, Druideck.