Expert: Druideck - 2/20/2011

Question
Hi

My husband and I met when were 18. I knew he liked to drink, but thought he would grow out of it. It's been 7 years and things haven't really changed. We have two kids together 4 and 6. He is a good father and very responsible at work, but his drinking does concern me. He doesn't drink daily, but when he does he becomes loud, obnouxious, and can't control himself. He'll try to pick fights. He is not aloud to drink at home because of this, so he has been staying out with relatives when he does drink, which is about once a week. Although he has stopped for a couple of months at a time.
I have left him a few times, but returned because of promises made by him to quit drinking, he attended aa a few times then quit aa and returned to his old self.
He doesn't think he needs help. He says that I am the one that has the problem.
Is my husband in denial?? or am I exagerating??

Please help!!

Answer
Hi Carinna,

The pattern you describe in your relationship
with your husband is very typical of
addictive behaviours.

You are also caught up in his illness which
involves a type of mental blindness.
This is what denial is like.
The denial of the drinker starts to affect
those around him with self-doubt and guilt.

An alcoholics loss of control happens slowly
over time and is hard to see when you are
living in the middle of it.

Alcoholics deny any problem because of the
blindness of denial and also the lure
of the drinking desire.
He may not want to quit drinking and
the denial helps him maintain that status.

You cannot control his desire to drink,
believe me it is much more powerful than
just getting him to make promises which
he cannot keep because he is likely
addicted at this point.
When you ask for a promise you are setting
up a no-win situation. He cannot say no
to drinking without help and he has to
reach a point where he keeps going to AA
and has a sincere desire to stop.

When his promises fail as they will,
it only creates bad feelings and
frustration on your side.
You ask why would he drink again after
making such solemn promises?
The answer is simple, he is addicted to alcohol
and must hit bottom hard enough to seek help
and give up all his excuses for drinking.

This can be very tough and depends on the
individual. The time frame could be
next week or it might take years before
he gets serious.

Some alcoholics lose their families and jobs
and still keep drinking.
Some choose to listen to others and
do what it takes to get sober and stay sober.
This is a tall order to fill but alcoholism
is chronic and can result in jail, insanity or death.

You must realize the power of this illness.
It can be treated with support from good AA
members and following a program of recovery
that includes mental, emotional, physical and
spiritual components like AA's twelve steps.
It takes everything a man can muster
to avoid the first drink so try to be patient
if he tries to get help.

If he thinks you have the problem then he is
going to keep drinking until he sees that
the drinking is his problem to deal with.
Loss of control and progressively worse
behaviour are two strong warning signs
of alcoholism.

You can only provide him with information
or get him to do some tests for alcoholism
online. Even with this proof he will still
need to find his way through his denial.

Anyone that has attended an AA meeting is
already admitting there is a problem.
Normal drinkers do not even think about
getting help or attend AA meetings.
They also do not lose control, want to fight
or have their wife leaving them over drinking.

Normal drinkers do not need to make promises
not to drink.

I believe if he is truly addicted as I think he is
his ability to stay away from drinking will
get harder. He may be able to stop drinking
for a month at first and then later it will
be just a couple of weeks. Then it might even be
daily.

Anything you try to do will be seen as interference
and control. He will use your complaints as a
reason to drink.
He will get support from his drinking buddies.
All these things make recovery difficult.

If you have enough concerned friends or family
you could do a professional intervention but
talk to an alcohol expert on that.

You can get support from Al-Anon in detaching from
his problem. This is not a problem that love can fix.
Don't lecture him, don't extract promises.
Treat him like an adult and make him responsible
for things he does. Don't cover up for him and his
drinking. Don't try to hide your family in seclusion
because of this. Get support and arm yourself
with knowledge.  

He will have much false pride which makes him
want to believe he has things under control.
You and I know this is not true.

Alcoholism can be treated but it is not easy.
It is a life changing recovery. The first thing
is to recover yourself however.

Take care!
Druideck.
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