Expert: Clyde - 3/15/2011

Question
I get somethings about my exes addiction.. I know he is allergic to alcohol since he breaks out in handcuffs. I get how when he's being ugly to me it is mirroring his own pain and frustration .. I get his drinking buddies don't want him to be sober.. I get that I am doing the right thing by getting our of the way of his disease.. Then why even though I have sought help thru alanon do I still just want to hug him and tell him he can do it when it falls on deaf ears? I am having trouble with holding him accountable and staying the heck away.. We have a home together I still live there and pay all the bills he promises me help then it never comes so I pay everything cause I like living indoors.. How can I hold him accountable when his disease is so active..

Answer
Rhonnie,
   Thank you for your question.  I hear your pain and your frustration and I think you have a good handle on his disease. It is devastating to the one who has to watch someone disintegrate.  That disintegration is their responsibility, no one else's
   From your paragraph I see the knowledge of him but I do not see self-knowledge about you.  When we stay in these situations there are two possible reasons:
1.# We have issues within ourselves which we are not able #or will not) look into for all sorts of reasons - hence, we stay focussed on someone else.
2.) We love the person in a good healthy way because God has told us this is where we are supposed to be and we learn that love is a very hard thing when it is done right.

   These are the choices - if 2.) then it becomes one of acceptance and being a "non-anxious presence" for the loved one and if 1) we understand that recovery is like recovery from alcoholism - it is not necessarily easy but it must be done for the remainder of our natural lives  "one day at a time."

   I hope this may have helped.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde