Expert: Clyde - 3/21/2011

Question
QUESTION: Learning to live life on lives terms is tough. God works in his own time and recently I faced a hard fact that I could have left my alcoholic boyfriend long before I did.. I dedicated myself to continue working on me.. His disease is holding him hostage but I no longer have to be held captive by it.. It is hard to watch his spiral and his dehumanization.. The reality is all he is capable of caring about is alcohol. Harsh reality.. Is it wrong that I still pray for him? It gives me no happiness in watching this destruction.. I just have accepted my powerlessness but God is not powerless and he can help Mark in Gods time..I guess I just hope it is before it is too late.. Not so he can be with me but because everyone deserves a happy life.. Am I still a hopeless co dependant?

ANSWER: Rhonnie,
   Thank you for your message and, absolutely it is OK to pray for him and, no, it does not mean that you are necessarily a hopeless codependent.

    The one thing we can do for anyone is be their intercessor with some sort of Higher Power whom I choose to call God.  I wish people well and that God give them 10,000 fold what he has given me, especially in the Grace to have seen my error in my wrong ways.  

   The thing about the hopeless codependent is this:  If you truly love this person then you will have to grieve the loss of the relationship and it will never heal completely if you love very deeply.  My second marriage fell apart over five years ago and I miss her with all my heart and soul.  But I was powerless of her leaving me and, although it still can hurt some days, I know that somehow God made everything OK for me because, like you, I have moved on and lived life to the fullest.  I have had some up days and some down days but all in all it has been a grand life.  I still pray for her and for her happiness.  It would be foolish for me to do anything else.

   Hope this has helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you  I pray for him .. I light candles and pray .. He says he is happier could this be true .. I pray for his happiness if he is already happier without me , kids , the dogs and the house then I guess they were answered. Could it be true that he would rather live in a horrible apartment with alcoholics for neighbors then in our beautiful home ? I can't keep false hope for our kids..eventually I will have to make decisions regarding my own dating situation I am sticking by the year thing not getting in or out of a realationship until one year in recovery.. Are thier happy addicts?

Answer
Rhonnie,
   Thank you for your follow-up.  Yes, there are happy addicts!  The Big Book of AA tells us we are "happy, joyous, and free" and that is true.  Life goes on and throws some things we don't like but we can still be happy with life - for we are free of the "bondage of self."  That bondage is a psychological one.  Until we work through the personal issues that have us lying to ourselves, we won't discover what is really waiting out there for us.

   Your boyfriend is probably subconsciously afraid to face his real self and thus chooses to stay in bondage to a false self that protects his real "me" from whatever he thinks is so frightening.  It will take a "bottom" to begin climbing out and he is not there and may never be.

   You, however, are beginning to see what real life is all about so stay with it. These moments of despair and hurt and loss can seem to last forever but they do subside with time.  You are experiencing the effects of grief.  Nothing wrong with that.  First phase is denial - this is not really happening; it isn't that bad; it will be better (the old routine drunken nights).  Then secondly we try to barter with God - Lord, do so and so and I will promise to do so and so (Or not do so and so - the old "foxhole" prayer).  Then we get angry - not sure at who or what but at some point healing means we face our own anger.  Then the real gift - acceptance. We see that we are powerless and and we see the redemption in all we have been through and we step out into the sunshine.

   So, yes, there are happy addicts.  They say "don't quit before the miracle happens!"

Grace and Peace,
Clyde