Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/5/2011

Question
My mother has been drinking for some years now. Yes our life has been stressful over the years and she has been out of work, well a 9-5 job, for long while. My brother and I pay the bills and I know it bothers her to have to ask us for money.  The only time it bothers me when she asks is because I know she wants to buy alcohol with it.  Every time we try and bring up her drinking she first tries to change the subject and say she doesn't drink everyday which she does or she will tell us we don't understand.  My mother lost her mother when she was just 7 yrs old and even laid down in the bed with her before knowing she had passed and I know she never got over it.  She expresses how the alcohol gives her a hug that she doesn't get and we don't understand how she feels.  I just want her to realize that alcohol isn't helping and she needs to find joy in something else her health is at stake. She takes medicine for high blood pressure then she drinks, I don't think any medication can mix with alcohol.  Worried and don't know where to begin to help because talking to her doesn't seem to help.

Answer
Hi Kadija,

Your mom is an alcoholic, and she's justifying her behavior by saying that because her mother died when she was 7, she's comforted by drinking. By telling you that you don't understand, she's playing the victim. Then you feel sorry for her, and without realizing it, you enable her addiction.

Many people go through terrible losses and not all of them become alcoholics or drug addicts.

Your mom should not be mixing medication with alcohol, and her drinking may also be preventing her from putting the effort into getting a 9-5 job. Since you and your brothers pay the bills, she's under no pressure to get one.

If you pay the bills, don't give her cash. Since you and your brother are paying the bills, you're entitled to set the conditions. Tell her that there will be no cash whatsoever, and demand that she goes to AA and get help. You must also stop feeling sorry for her, because it's easy to weaken and enable her.

Here's some information on this: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

She won't be happy about it, but you both must give her no choice. She's the only one who can stop drinking, and you'll be forcing her into sobriety. It would also be helpful for both you and your brother to go to Al-anon, to get information and the support that you need.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,

Beverley Glazer
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com