Expert: Druideck - 8/17/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hi,

Me and my boyfriend are both 28, we've been together for a few months and we're very much in love, but I think he might be an alcoholic. He needs to drink every other day, around 6-7 beers or more. He is a functional drunk, calm and does not get into trouble. He has never mistreated me whilst drunk but he acts like a different person, distant and cold. What's scary is his need to drink, the look on his face when he needs one, how he acts when there are no bars around or drinks available for some reason. I'm in love with him, and it took me a while to fully realize the extent of his problem. He is completely honest about his drinking, he does not lie and does not hide his need to drink from me. However he will not admit that he has a problem. The issues between us have slowly surfaced on several fronts: he spends more and more time either drunk or recovering from a drinking session ( I don't think he ever recovers completely from one before moving on to the next session), he's to tired to do anything and he complains about trouble breeding and pains and panic attacks the next day, he can't be bothered to eat properly or shower. He can spend a whole week without drinking when he runs out of money and he feels great, but as soon as he has one beer that's it. We're very much in love and share intimate moments, he's extremely affectionate and caring towards me but he's not too interested in sex, I think it requires too much energy from him. When we do have sex he rarely ever climaxes and just gets frustrated with the whole thing (could this be related to alcohol?). It hurts me to watch alcohol taking over his life and numbing him. Its not rare for him to be with me and suddenly get very distant and tell me that he wants to go out for a drink. If I say that I'm not in the mood (I know he'll get smashed) he'll just get up and go to a bar alone and come back later when he's absolutely drunk. He can never have only one drink (he has told me this), and he doesn't care which drink it is that he's having. He has asked me if I think he is an alcoholic and if it bothers me that he drinks this much and I say yes. I'm always surprised that he sounds so lucid and honest about this subject. But if I say yes that only makes him more distant, as next time he'll just go out on his own and drink. Sometimes he does not come home and I just wonder/worry about how drunk he is and why he makes such a point of showing me that 'a drink' is more important than anything else in his life including me, his loving girlfriend. I don't know how to deal with this situation, when I read the other posts I panic and think I should leave whilst I can, but I love him and he is such a loving, wonderful person. Will he necessarily get worse with time? If I continue with my relationship with him, will he become more and more absent and more into his drinking? What are the chances of him changing? How can I tell him that I think alcohol is coming between us (its hard because he does not mistreat me or get into trouble)? I love him and I don't want to have to leave him. I have the feeling that if I don't approve of his drinking he will just go on on his own. He'll just get over me by remaining numb with alcohol. Is there anyway I can help him to help himself? Is there a way I can be firm but still show him I love him?

ANSWER: Clara,

You have many questions here but the real question
is can you handle detaching yourself from
his problem if he does not decide to do anything
about it?

People have many more problems than being alcoholic.
Even if he was to seek help which looks improbable
at this point for his drinking then he still
has to deal with his emotional problems
and fears which often the drinking hides.

When you meet a new person it can seem like
that person is everything you wanted until
the honeymoon ends and the reality set in.
Love is blind as they say.
Gradually all the little things we accepted
at first start to be irritating.
We start to notice their faults more than
the good.

This is of course worse when the person has
an addiction to alcohol as their behaviour
can become bizarre over time.
The addiction becomes more important than the
love you thought could conquer all.

Love is no competitor to alcoholism.
He will always choose alcohol over
you at some point. This is not because
he is a bad man, it is because he is addicted.
He has become dependent on alcohol to survive.

To break this pattern requires his willingness
and cooperation to get help in whatever form
he can. This might be rehab or just a few
AA meetings every week.
Over time he may lose the craving for alcohol
and start to practise more positive behaviours.
If he has not hit the point of wanting
out of this alcoholic trap then their is little
you can do to change him.

You might suggest he look into information
about alcohol abuse.
You can get some AA literature for him.
You can talk to an alcohol counsellor about
intervention, this is hard if he thinks
he is not causing any hardship for anyone.
Interventions focus on the feelings of
loved ones and then a consequence is set
for the alcoholic. He must get verifiable help
or you leave him to his own demise.

Alcoholism is deadly but the time it takes
for things to worsen badly can vary with
the person.

Some people have health problems and others
start to lose sanity first.
The final stages are paranoia, unreasonable
fears and brain damage.
Some people drink and suffer liver and heart
failure before the insanity worsens.

It is an illness with definable stages.
You can copy the links below and paste
them in your browser to see them:
http://www.faslink.org/Graphics/Disease%20of%20Alcoholism%20Chart%20screen.gif

http://www.addictionz.com/images/alcoholism-chart.gif

Alcoholism is sometimes the illness that
you do not want to help with.
The more apparent his problems become
the quicker he may seek help.
Well meaning people can often enable
the alcoholic by softening or condoning
his irresponsible drinking.

The sooner things get bad the sooner he
will see that something is not right.
The time to help him is not when he is drinking
but when he seeks help to recover.

If he wants to drink then you must take care
of yourself and either leave or detach yourself
from feeling like he is less responsible than
you are for his drinking.

He is a man and can be just as responsible as
you are if he chooses to. Right now he wants
to ignore things and keep drinking.

You can only do so much and then you must
accept him the way he is. He may or may
not change but you can change the way you react.

Luck to you both.

Druideck

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---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Druideck,

Many thanks for your reply and for your time, it is most appreciated.

I also had a look at the links you sent me, thank you. I was trying to locate which stage my boyfriend is at the moment, and could not completely figure it out. I do realize that these things vary a lot from person to person but what confuses me the most is the fact that he is so honest and bluntly straightforward about his drinking, so he is not at the stage where he lies and drinks in hiding, although is is clearly addicted. Is that a good or a bad sign? He often asks me if I think he is an alcoholic but he won't admit that he is. I've been reading everything I can get hold of regarding alcoholism and everytime the advice seems to be get away NOW or you will face a lifetime of agonizing misery and pain. It seems like the general advice is to just run away from people with this problem, as if the the chances of them changing are extremely low. This is extremely hard for me, not only because I love him and would like to stay with him, but also because when I walk away I'll know he is such a great and loving person who wants to be happy and who wants to have a family and that he will probably ruin his life and end up alone. I don't think I can realistically detach myself from his problem and I don't want a life of misery and pain, and so it seems that the only option is to leave him...

My question is, because his drunkness hasn't really caused any serious problems between us for now (I mentioned that he is a very calm, functional drunk) I don't know how I could explain to him why I want to leave him without telling him that I think in the future he is going to ruin his and my life,  I'm afraid that this might sound extremely cruel and unjustified to him, since I can't, based on his present actions (apart from the drinking) point out examples of why I think this might be. Should I try asking him to stop and wait to see if he does, or should I just leave? Sorry if this sounds confusing. I just want to be sure I'm doing the right thing for me and for him, and that there is no chance that his problem might not be as serious as I am making it out to be.

Thank you

ANSWER: Clara,

When your boyfriend admits to his drinking
being excessive and does not do anything
about it, he is showing signs of alcoholism.
Alcoholism keeps people in denial
of any problem.

His drinking is already causing problems
between you and he and he does not show any
signs of getting help.
You are concerned and he ignores the problem.
This is a sign of addiction.

He may start to have health problems with
the amount he is drinking daily.
This is another problem.

His personality changes when drinking,
this is another sign of problems and alcoholism.

You see his problems are somewhat disguised
and hard to spot when you are in the middle
of it. His denial affects you also.

Recovery is possible for anyone.
The odds may be low but not impossible
for him.

Ask him why he is honest about his
drinking but unwilling to do anything about it.

You do not have to leave him because
of drinking, that is a choice.
He may have problems that are more serious
at some point but that is the risk.

Also, if you decide to leave or separate
for awhile it does not mean you have to
abandon him completely.

People can still help someone from outside,
if the person stops lying to themselves or being
apathetic to their alcohol problems and starts
to seek some help or knowledge about it.

Your boyfriend does not want to stop
drinking right now, that is why he
admits to his drinking. It makes it
possible for him to pretend he is honest.
He is being very dishonest if he does
not get help for his illness.

That is like a person with cancer saying
"I have cancer, but I am not going to do
anything about it, just wait for problems
or death to come" That is a very irresponsible
way to behave and I do not think your
boyfriend is being as honest as he has
fooled you into believing.

If he doesn't stop or get help then
he will slowly kill himself with alcohol.
Leaving or Staying is your own personal decision.
Recovering is his responsibility if he so chooses.

You can try to help him but remember this
is an illness that you cannot stop.
He has to make the decision to end this problem.
A few months in AA might ruin his opinion of drinking.

Good luck and always take care of yourself first,
that is your true responsibility.

Druideck.
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---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Druideck

The last time I wrote to you, I mentioned that I had an alcoholic boyfriend with which I thought I had to break up with. Well, not surprisingly it turns out I have not been able to do so. Mainly because I get extremely confused regarding what actually is wrong with him, to the point when I question if he is an alcoholic after all!!

A few things have happened since I last wrote which have made me feel helpless in understanding or dealing with this situation.

I have found out that he is seeing a counsellor and has been on medication for depression and panic attacks for a long time. He has told me that if he does not take this medication his mind and body get all over the place, and that accounts for many of what I usually tend to recognize as alcoholism withdrawal symptoms such as panic attacks, sweats, shakes etc, – and are not due to an alcohol addiction

I have also since then confronted him regarding his drinking, as he has admitted to me that he has extremely deep cravings for alcohol, that he is not able to stop drinking once he starts, drinks alone once or twice a week, is never able to have only one drink and not get drunk (meaning balckouts and all), and that his whole family disapproves of his drinking and think he is an alcoholic, etc... I mean I have read that these are serious signs of alcoholism... However, he says he is not an alcoholic. He argues that he never has drinks during the day, and that he can go for several days without drinking and be fine, and justifies his drinking as a self-treatment for extreme boredom and an uninteresting life.

I have told him I still believe he is an alcoholic, regardless of his 'excuses'. I also refuse to drink with him and have said I will not participate in his self-destroying behaviour (giving that he drinks whilst being affected by such psychological problems). However I can't seem to bring myself to tell him what I truly feel – which is that I think we have no future together because he is an alcoholic, and that I think we will be miserable.

I have told him that I can't stay if I see that he is destroying himself. But I think that deep down I wonder if he is just a troubled person (meaning depressed) that drinks regularly because it is a release, a way of temporarily getting away from deep psychological distress and pain. And that maybe, once he gets treatment for his mental problems he won't seek drink anymore.

However, it is true that he drinks whilst on medication, which can't be good, and most likely undermines the whole treatment...This makes me think he is not taking this seriously enough, and that everything will just be the same for as long as possible. He tells me he is just bored and that he wants to go travelling and that once he does he will be fine and everything will get back to normal.

Which brings me to last bit of my story: he has suggested we should go travelling and then move in together. I would love to think we have a future together but to be honest all I feel is a deep desire to believe so, in addition to an intense bad feeling about what I might be getting in to. I love him very much, he is not abusive to me in any way, we get along fine and have fun. I feel terrible because I think he deserves to be happy but that he is lost, unable to take care of himself right now, and that leaving him (which is the last thing I would ever want to do) will be cruel and painful for him. I see him so excited about future plans with me...

I guess it is difficult for me to break up with him, because I love him so much and I have no reason to believe he will ever fit the alcoholic 'stereotype' of abuse, it becomes hard to justify to him why I think we will be miserable in the future. I also feel it is unfair to foresee such an unhappy turnout just based of the fact that he drinks to get his mind off painful thoughts.

I feel lost, it is extremely painful for me to make a decision. I really would like to stay with him.

I guess my question to you is: does this sound familiar? Do you think he is an alcoholic despite what I have told you about his depression? Can you give any clues on what is the best way to tell him what I feel?



Thank you for your time,

Answer
Hi Clara,

If your relationship is going okay today then
that is what matters most as none of us can
predict the future precisely.

Even if your boyfriend denies any alcoholism
it may be that something else will
separate you from him, we cannot know
the future and it is better to practise
keeping our thoughts in the present
or very near future at least.

If his drinking is a problem for you or
for him then he needs to seek help.
If he drinks and there are no negatives
consequences then it may not matter so much.

Alcoholism and addiction to alcohol are
characterized by the loss of control
when drinking and the compulsion to drink.
Also health problems, blackouts and problems
with the law are common.

If there are no negatives then it cannot
be classified as alcoholism or addiction.
Addictions have negative life consequences.

Often a person has underlying emotional
or mental problems but the alcoholism
has to be addressed before they can work
on the other problems.
When drinking an alcoholic does not have
control of his behaviour, he must drink
no matter what.

If he drinks even occasionally but cannot
stop after a few drinks he is likely
alcoholic. This shows a lack of control.

If he cannot stop drinking even after it
creates problems in his life then he is
an alcoholic.

Normal people do not need to drink
every day or even every week or month.

If he uses alcohol to deal with his
feelings and problems then he has
a drinking problem.

If you think he has no problem with alcohol
then let it go until you can confirm it
to be a problem.

If his drinking is no problem then why are you
concerned? If you see signs of drinking
being a problem then he is just in denial
and may need some negative consequences to
help him see that.

If you are not having fun it is time to examine
what is bothering you about this relationship.
If his behaviour bothers you then
he may not be the guy for you.
We all have to choose our circumstances and
then live with them.

Leave the future alone and see what
is happening today.
Are you happy or not? What are you feeling?
What can you do to be happier?
Is this relationship giving you anything
or is it time to move on?
Is there something you can change
about yourself to be happier?

If you are feeling bad about the future
then you have to pull your mind back into
reality. This moment is all you have.
No one is a fortune teller, he may get
worse or he may find a way to recover
but for now you only have to
look at the facts.

Is his behaviour causing negative feelings
to occur in you?  What can you do?
Are you fearing the future which no one can predict?
Examine your own insecurity in being involved
with a troubled man. Maybe it is too much
for you. If so you need to care for yourself
by finding people that seem safer to associate with.

Men with serious mental or emotional problems
are not the best mates. His mental issues
or possible alcoholism will negatively
affect the relationship at some point.

Focus on caring for your self and enjoy
what you can. Take your attention off
him for a change. Let him be unless you
cannot accept something he is doing today.
Leave when and if you can see negatives that
you cannot accept or change in this relationship.

You have to accept him as he is right now.
He may never change, are you willing to live
with that?
It is not always possible to change a person.
He may be an alcoholic but that is the reality.
Don't count on being able to change him.
He has to cooperate for that to happen.

One day at a time is all we have.
We all live with the insecurity
of relationship problems.
You must build a strength of spirit
to leave the future as it will be.
Stay or leave as you need, but take care
of yourself either way.

Druideck.
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