Expert: Di English - 4/21/2011

Question
I have been friends with a women for 27 years. My friend is now 51 years old. She drinks wine at night and when she calls me I can tell she has been drinking. My friend has had two marriages fail. A daughter and a grandson. She has been kicked out of her boyfriends home whom she lived with for a couple of years. She was just recently abandoned by another boyfriend who she lived with for 5 years who was also a drug user, abusive to her, and drank. This boyfriend couldn't tolerate her anymore and moved out leaving her broke, and with no place to live.  She called another man in another state and he flew her to his home. She is now living with him. She calls me and she is very unhappy. This man does not drink and is spiritual. He also has no furniture in his home and lives with only a air mattress in a bedroom. She texted me on my phone and asked if she could borrow money to move back to Florida where she has friends who she can live with. I didn't return an answer. I cannot do this anymore. I do not loan out money to friends. I find her to be using anyone she can.
I know she is an alcoholic and I can no longer be a part of her life. I feel some guilt but I feel she is using me. Can you give me some advice on how to handle this situation ? Thank You.

Answer
Dear Linda

It is understandable that you feel some guilt when not responding to your friends request; it is only human to want to help someone we care about when they are in trouble. However, your friend is clearly an alcoholic and in this instant, giving her money would simply be supporting her addiction rather than helping her to stop drinking.

The disease of alcoholism is a powerful, complex and destructive disease where the affected person’s life becomes unmanageable and they will use any resource available to them into order to maintain their habit.

Your friend has gone from one person to another being temporarily rescued until they have finally had enough and abandoned her. Now it is your turn and she will use any excuse to gain your support whether it being for money or any other help that she needs.

I have worked for many years with alcoholics both in active addiction and in recovery and have enormous empathy for anyone afflicted with this horrible disease. However, there are many alcoholics who have long periods of sobriety and lead very worthwhile lives. It takes vigilance and support from professionals and AA for people to manage their lives without alcohol.

One of the hardest things for the loved ones and friends of alcoholics to understand is that, unlike most other diseases, it’s not what you DO for the alcoholic but rather what you DON’T do for them that will make a difference.

Nothing will change until the afflicted person accepts that they have an addiction and takes responsibility for themselves. As long as they remain a victim and allow others to rescue them every time they get into trouble they will continue to drink.

Alcohol is a mind altering substance which stunts emotional growth and it often feels like you are dealing with a child.

If a child keeps jumping off a high wall and you keep putting a mattress under them, they will continue to jump. So it is with an alcoholic. Keep rescuing them and they will continue to drink because you are preventing them from experiencing sufficient pain for them to seek help.

Remember, it’s not the person but the alcoholic behavior that you are not prepared to accept and if your friend were to stop drinking you may well want to maintain the friendship. The best way to support her is to tell her that you care but that by giving her money, you would be taking away her responsibility in getting well.

You are doing the right thing and have no cause to feel guilty. If you feel you would like more support, I suggest you go to an Al-Anon meeting. These are meetings for family and friends of alcoholics and are held all over the world. You will find where the meetings are held on the Internet.

I wish you well.

Best wishes

Di English