Expert: Clyde - 4/6/2011

Question
I have dated a man for a year and a half.  We met casually at a farmers market and car show.  That day we went into very nice restuarant to get to know eachother and have a "drink".  He asked me if I'd mind that he didn't drink and I jokingly said, not if you don't mind if I do.  He did not say, "I'm a recovering alcoholic.", and I didn't ask. I probably should have asked and he probably should have been honest enough to tell me from the beginning and none of the rest of this mess would have ever happened.

He is an alcoholic, I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I drink socially.  BAD COMBINATION, right?

The first time he was honest about his drinking was after we had dated for two months and we had already fallen in love with one another.  A very good friend of his and work colleague had suddenly killed himself over the Thanksgiving holiday.  We had agreed to meet the next weekend for a date,when he called, said he'd a few drinks with the boys, and couldn't come over.  I foolishly said, "Thanks for being honest, you just had a terrible blow, I understand."

When the holidays came we agreed to to go out with my friends on New Year's Eve.  (At this time I still didn't know he had a drinking problem.)  He arrived late and hugely intoxicated.  I offered to drive him home, he refused, he put me in a terrible position because I knew he was drunk and he left my home, so I had to call police which never caught up with him.  I made excuses to my friends about why we couldn't go out with them.  

At that time I stopped seeing him.  A few weeks later he called me, apologized, said he was sorry, admitted to having a drinking problem and asked if we could meet to talk. I agreed.  At that time I thought he was being honest with me about his drinking, but he only told me part of the story.  I'm sure he was afraid I'd leave him permanently if he was fully honest.  He agreed to go get help. I agreed to see him again.

The drinking continued, but he was hiding it and lying to me and I didn't know that.  He would tell me he was going on a weekend fishing trip with his guys friends or going on vacation with the guys, when he was really at home drinking.

It wasn't until 6 months into our relationship when I wasn't able to reach him for several days and I decided to call his sister because I was concerned about where he was and if he was OK, that she told me he's had a drinking problem for twenty years and had been sober for about fifteen, but had started drinking again and she thought I knew his history.

Once again, after a few weeks he contacted me again, said he was sorry and told me a little more about his drinking problem.  Again, I thought he was being honest with me.  He said he had decided that the "therapy" he was getting wasn't working, and he was going try something else, asked if I would go to counseling with him, wanted to save the relationship, blah, blah,blah.  I agreed to start seeing him again.

Once again, he began making up lies, "Oh, the counselor says he should be in therapy for awhile without me first"...I believed it.  "Oh, the family sessions don't start until next month."  I believe it.  "Oh, I'm going to visit my sister for a week."  I believe it.  All the while he is not in therapy or on any trips.  He's at home drinking.  

Well, finally it all caught up with him because his sister and I started talking to one another and comparing notes/calendars, and we both realized he had been lying to both of us.

So, I have cut the ties.  Tried to talk to him about truth, getting well, setting boundaries, actually going to therapy together, etc...When he wouldn't follow through, I told him, I'm through.  He got extremely verbally abusive with me.  I blocked email account and phone numbers so he can't contact me.  

My question to you is...Do alcoholics, when their partner sets boundaries, ends the relationship, what are the statistics that they won't let you go?  I'm concerned he'll call work (a number I can't block) or show up at my house because I refuse to communicate with him, etc...

Thanks.

Answer
Robin,
   Thank you for your question.  The lengthy info on the relationship is helpful as it gives me some idea of his pattern.  Basically, I think it is this - he uses alcoholism as an excuse so that he does not have to confront his own personal issues.  Someone with 15 years sobriety does not just go drinking.  They plan it and then do it.  He has some deep-rooted issues that he needs to face and only he can decide to do that.  Therapy is for him - not you.  Suggesting you both go for his alcoholism is a cop out on his part... but that was not your question...
  
   To answer that specific question - I do not have any statistics but I would suggest you are probably not done with him yet. He has a pattern of returning when he needs something and you have responded with a pattern of accepting him back. It may take some time to officially be free of him but it all depends on how much he craves whatever he gets out of the relationship with you.  He may make a call or visit to work.  If he does come by I would quickly assess his condition and his apparant motives and if fishy or out of control then call the police and have him removed.  You do not need to play into his immaturity and so it is best to politely try and have him understand he is not welcome and he needs to go.  Chances are he will be hurt and angry but hopefully he will also learn you have no interest.


   You will want to reassess your own needs and how these may play into your own issues that have not been resolved so that you will be somewhat wary of the next relationship.

  I hope this may have helped.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde