Expert: Druideck - 4/7/2011

Question
Hi, I have a question regarding my boyfriend. I really want to help him, I am just realizing right now that he is very sick from his addiction. We have been living together for about a year. He told me when we first started dating that he had been to rehab twice for speed and cocaine but that he had been clean for two years. To my knowledge, this is true. However, I'm realizing that his drinking may be becoming a very serious problem.
First of all, he sweats profusely in his sleep. He drenches the bed, and he is out cold for hours (I can scream in his ear and he will not wake up#. Some mornings he shakes... He has heart problems #probably from his prior drug use), but I know that this is a sign of heavy drinking. He hides beers around the apartment because he knows I don't like that he drinks all the time. Also he drinks by himself very late at night. People constantly say that he smells like booze. He also had a peptic ulcer last year and he gets physically sick sometimes which he claims is because of this. Also, he was caught drinking a beer on shift at his job as a restaurant manager. He's been denying for so long that this is a problem that I believed him! Even though he smelled like liquor I still believed that it was his aftershave! Furthermore, he is becoming very angry and aggressive-- never physically abusive, but he calls me names constantly and everything I do makes him incredibly angry. This is not the man I started dating! He has been so kind and sweet to me, and still is sometimes. This morning he woke up early and made me breakfast, then I came home afterschool and he shouted at me and told me I have no friends here and I embarrass him. He's also incredibly hostile towards his own friends, claiming he doesn't like them anymore and calling them names behind their backs.
Normally, I would leave someone like this, but he is such a good man at heart. Furthermore, he has had the worst possible family life- his mother has personally been to rehab 12 times for alcohol abuse, and his brother has a serious drug problem. I felt like he was coming along so well. He seems to me to be seriously depressed. He's constantly trashing himself and saying he hasn't done anything with his life and calling himself a loser. He is always accusing me of thinking these things and gets angry at me, even though I'd never say any of this. Because of his seriously unstable mental health, I am afraid that if I were to leave him he might kill himself. I am VERY afraid of this. I never stop worrying about him and I'm in my first year of university and everything is just falling apart! I don't think I can leave him before he's at least a little stable without driving myself crazy with worry. I personally am a very anxious person and I'm so afraid he will hurt himself or something. And the thought of this just getting worse and him never getting better is absolutely killing me. However, although he admitted after getting caught drinking at work that maybe he has a "small problem", now everytime I talk about it he gets extremely mad and says I don't trust him. I've suggested he talk to someone but he insists he's been to rehab twice and they can't teach him anything he doesn't already know. I'm also afraid that this may be true, because he went to a very expensive and intensive rehab, for 6 month, and he through his mother he is very aware of what is necessary to deal with addiction. So how can I help? How can I get him to talk to someone? He won't even see a therapist,because he claims he has seen so many when he was younger. He is so stubborn. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for answering my question.

Answer
Megan,

I know it is a very frustrating thing to watch
someone you care about as they self-destruct.

Your boyfriend sounds to be close to
late stage alcoholism. His knowledge of
addiction does not help when faced with
the actual power of addictions.

Self-will is next to useless in dealing
with alcoholism. Help must come from daily
practise of a known successful recovery program
like the one used by Alcoholics Anonymous.
I would say he wants to believe he
can beat or get through this problem alone.

Often the denial works hand in hand with false pride,
stubbornness, grandiose ego and just plain self-pity
and anger to prevent a man from staying sober
and doing what he needs to accomplish that.

The fact he has been in treatment means he
has some awareness of his problems.
At this point I would say recovery is his choice
or not. When a person has an illness they must
have personal willingness and a sense of
responsibility to themselves to stick
with abstainence and the programs available
to them. He does not seem to want sobriety.

I cannot hold with any idea of blaming others
or saying he knows it all and it didn't work.
He knows how to manipulate you at this point
and can use a variety of excuses to keep
you off his back.

Everything he is telling you is an excuse to
keep practising his addiction.
The past, the failures, the hard times,
the bad self image, all of it is designed
to keep him sick.
These are defense mechanisms of the disease.

The first thing you need to do is stop
being a part of this denial.
No more lectures, no fighting, no threats,
no more accepting blame for HIS problems.

This is called detachment and it's purpose
is to make him responsible and for him
to experience the consequences of his behaviours
fully. He can only wake up when others stop
consoling him. He does not need support
to stay drunk. He needs support only
when he takes actions that are leading
to recovery.

Get him an AA schedule and help him go to
recovery support meetings. If he will not
go then leave him to suffer his own
consequences for not continuing his
recovery. Recovery is a life time process.

Once he has accepted that he must remain sober
and starts in on the basics of recovery
then he can go back to normal living.
He has to establish a solid base of
recovery behaviours or he will die from
alcoholism. It is not a joke, it is absolutely
deadly. Many people die each year and many
swallow their pride get help and get sober.

The more you help him the longer he will drink.
Alcoholics like a shoulder to cry on,
however this only prevents them from nearing
the emotional bottom that can spur them into
recovery. Things have to get very bad for some
alcoholics before they get serious about sobriety.

In my own case I did not take recovery seriously
until my family left and I had no one but myself
to deal with. I knew it was jail, insanity or death,
that bottom line helped me stick with the "program"
I could not manage my life and your boyfriend is
fast approaching that point.

Always encourage him to do the things he can
and that recovery is not a one or two time thing.
Recovery is something you keep doing every day
if you want to live at all.
You even do it with the idea that some day it will
be worth it to you. Even if he doesn't care
that is also just another excuse to stay ill.

Your job is either make an ultimatim that you
can stick with or back away from him and
let him face his problem without any cushion
between.

Addictions are different than other problems people
have. People are more likely to prolong the problems
by being helpful. Help is only given to the
behaviours that lead to recovery or sobriety.

Other kindnesses contribute to enabling as
this is an illness of being irresponsible
and involves emotional immaturity due to
regression during the years of being dependent
on alcohol.

All these excuses have to be given up.
Do not support his excuses. There is no
excuse for alcoholism. There is help
and he must keep reaching for it even
if it takes a hundred times.
Giving up is not an option it is sure death.

You must be careful to support yourself
and give yourself the help you so willingly
offer to him. Remember, the responsibility
to recover is his not yours.
You must also admit your powerlessness over
him if you want to have any peace in your life.

Intervention is a possibility but since he
has been in treatment I think he knows
all about that.

It's his move now, I would be glad to hear his
excuses if he wants to talk. Let him read this
if you think it will have any impact.

Good luck!
Druideck
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