Expert: Beverley Glazer - 4/17/2011

Question
Hello Beverley!

I have just recently met someone who is in recovery from a heroine and coke addiction. They are 10 years clean, heavily involved in the Narcotics Anonymous (NA) community (have even started one late-night support group), and have a stable living, working, and social situation. I don't know if our relationship will just end up being a friendship or romantic, but I do have a few questions about supporting and positively engaging with them. First of all, do many NA recoveries choose to date long-term? Second of all, do you know of any literature I can read (books, magazines, etc) to know more about how I can be a supportive and positive force in their life? Third of all, do you think that with all the important relationships in this person's life that they could be interested in dating me as a non-addict? As in, do you think they could find me capable of relating in the ways I need to relate to someone in recovery?

I know there are a lot of questions going on here, but I trust you can pull out the roots and address them. I just wanted to ask some preemptive questions since I've just starting spending time with this person and I really care about them and admire them!

Thank you so much for your response!

Marie

Answer
Hi Marie,

I understand your concern, but this man has not only been clean for 10 years, but he's also very involved in the program. This is a good thing. He's aware that he has to stay on top of his sobriety, because without sobriety, he loses everything.

Addicts in recovery can date and have long term relationships, and it's preferable to separate their personal life from the program. It is even advised not to date or marry someone in recovery, because if one of them relapses, it can affect the other.

There is a lot of literature about addiction, however, to read about it will only cause you more concern. He has to be on top of his sobriety -- and it seems that he's working on it. The best way to support him is to be yourself and say what you feel. Don't treat him any differently than anyone else.

Don't enable him in any way. Here's some information on that: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

With 10yrs of sobriety, he has created a stable life, but you can't really be involved in his recovery program. All you can do is understand that he needs the program and encourage him to keep at it.

To get information, it can be helpful to  attend a few Al-Anon meetings. You'll hear first hand what families and friends of alcoholic/addicts go through. However, you may never be in their position, because this man seems to be on top of his sobriety.

As they say in the program 'take it one day at a time'. The more you get to know him, the more confident you'll be in your decision.

I hope this information is helpful
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com