Expert: Di English - 4/25/2011

Question
Hi.  I reconnected with an old boyfriend from HS. We hit it off immediately. We live about 5 hrs from each other but we became close over the phone.  He confided in me that he was looking at jail time because of some DUI's.  I knew his story and I understood why he was turning to alcohol to deal with it.  I've never known anyone who was an alcoholic and there isn't any in our family.  I was naive and did think he had a drinking problem.  He tried to tell me but I think I was in denial because of what he had come to mean to me.  When we met for a weekend it was magic.  We both knew he was looking at jail time but we put it out of our minds for the time being.  When I went home it was very sad.  There were lots of tears between us and promises to keep in touch.  I wanted to be with him and I went to visit him 3 more times before the inevitable.  During this time he started to pull away and I was a mess.  I knew he was facing a very difficult situation and I tried to understand.  He wasn't mean to me...just distant.  He got 3 years and served 18 months.  When he went in I didn't think I'd ever see him again but a week after he went in he was able to call and he did.  He continued to call every day and sometimes 3 and 4 times a day for the next 18 months.  I sent him letters and pictures and we talked on the phone.  We became even closer and I went to visit him a few times.  He dealt with his alcoholism while he was in jail.  We planned on seeing each other when he got out and we did.  Two weeks after he got out he flew up to see me.  It was hard.  He wasn't the same.  He was guarded and a little paranoid but I figured that was due to being in jail.  He said he just needed some time and I understood.  He came back to visit about 6 weeks later and I will visit him.  We have talked every day for the last 2 and 1/2 years.  We often talk more than a few times a day.  He is drinking again.  He is a binge drinker.  There are phases where he will call and be open and funny and happy and we talk... it's great.  then there are other times when he barely calls at all.  He sleeps all day and doesn't want to be bothered.  Sometimes I think if I don't call him I wouldn't hear from him for days.  When I do call during these times he is groggy and distant and our conversations last a minute if I'm lucky.  He's a binge drinker.  He drinks as many as 20 beers at a time.  I don't understand how alcoholics act.  I want to believe that the alcohol is causing his behavior and that it has nothing to do with me.  Do his feelings for me change when he is going through these phases?  He tells me I deserve better and that he is a piece of sh*t.  He really isn't.  He's a really good guy.  He is funny and kind.  He is sweet and affectionate and he genuinely cares about me, but he's an alcoholic.  When he drinks he is still the same sweet wonderful guy.  It's when he becomes unavailable and seems to sleep for days on end.  He just becomes non exsistant and I suffer the consequences.  I worry about him and I hope he is ok.  He doesn't want me to worry but it's as if he forgets I'm waiting and wondering and he just steps out.  I guess I want to know if this is typical behavior for an alcoholic in a relationship.  Are they selfish and emotionally unavailable?  Can they care deeply for someone and still be so thoughtless?  I can handle it if it's the alcohol but if it's that he just doesn't care about me then it's different.  He was sober for 15 years so I know he can do it.  I want to be there for him and to support him but I live far enough away that I can also separate myself from these moments when he drinks too much and then spends time recovering".  I know I can't fix him or change him but I'm willing to stick it out.  The sober him is worth waiting for.  I know I'm long winded but I needed to get it out.  Thank you for your time and for answering my question.

Answer
Hi Kim

Everything you have said is very typical of someone with a serious drinking problem and you have to decide for yourself if this is the way you want to lead your life if you continue with this relationship.

Don’t be mistaken by the fact that he is a binge drinker, alcoholism is a powerful and complex disease and the chances are he will do anything to maintain his habit. Promises are generally meaningless, and excuses, lies, denial and defensiveness are all part and parcel of alcoholic behavior.

You say that your friend dealt with his addiction while in jail but is clearly drinking again. This is not unusual as it is very common for alcoholics to relapse time and time again. It doesn’t mean that he’s a bad person but alcoholism is a mental illness and until he accepts his problem and seeks professional help and works diligently to stop his drinking, nothing will change.

If I were to create a typical scenario of an alcoholic association your story would describe things very well. Alcohol is a mind altering substance and when drunk in excess the drinker becomes emotionally detached, self-focused and may often become abusive and in some cases quite violent. In your case, it would seem that your friend is more inclined to be withdrawn and isolative.
You say that you love him – millions of people all over the world have someone close with this horrible disease and choose to stay with them despite their destructive behavior whilst others reach a point where they’ve had enough and move on.

You say you want to stick it out, and that’s your choice, but be prepared, you may be waiting a very long time. What you need to understand is that he may genuinely care for you but at this moment in time he loves the alcohol more. Sadly, I have seen many a loving relationship destroyed because the alcoholic has chosen the alcohol over his/her loved one. That is the power of this disease.

I strongly suggest that you try out an Al-Anon meeting where you will meet others in a similar situation as yourself and from whom you will gain support.
I wish you well.

Di English