Expert: Druideck - 4/5/2011

Question
I'm 22 and I'm a very active member of AA and NA. I have almost 2 years clean. I am terrified of intimate relationships with women because of my natural tendency to take hostages and obsess and go absolutely nuts. Ive made some strides in this area in the acknowledgement of the alcoholic thoughts that course through my mind and try to steer my relationships. I just want to have a normal relationship without being so emotionally raw and fragile.I dont know how to have a sober relationship and incorporate my partners' feelings above my desires and overwhelming emotions. I have recieved very little experience strength and hope in this area from my peers and could use some tips on maturing and how to handle myself accordingly. I remained abstinant for the first year and am getting back into the love game. S.O.S.finding them is no problem but staying sane is!thanks for your time -Thomas

Answer
Hi Thomas,

Relationships, especially the romantic kind
can really stir up one's insecurities.
We often give up drugs and/or alcohol only
to replace them with another kind of addiction.
The overwhelming desire to either relate or mate
with the opposite sex.

This may at first seem like a normal desire
that everyone must have. Since we are burdened
with so much fear about our self worth or maybe
fear of rejection or even fears of being engulfed
we have a great deal of turmoil in relating.

Our usual style is to approach and then run, never
being able to adjust to the daily threat that
intimacy or closeness might bring.

Maturity is not something we can force to happen
overnight. Our patience is strained as we want
to quickly fulfill our dreams now we are sober.

Mature or healthy relationships are hard to
have unless we have a reasonable level of
emotional development. This means we can
handle being without a partner for a length
of time without having withdrawal pains.

Addictive relating happens much like our
other addictions.
We get a craving and try to satisfy it
quickly and in an unhealthy way.
We try to force things even if the person
is known to be unsuitable or bad for us.

We have trouble letting go even when the
relationship is mostly painful.
Our desperation often is the thing that
pushes women away. A woman can sense
our lack of wholeness and our belief
that she can fill the void we feel.
Of course comes the point where we
become aware things are not going great.

Our big error in relating is we believe
we lack something that someone else has.
We think women have some kind of magic that
will make everything feel better.
We also think it is going to be wonderful
and we will not have to work to create
a good relationship.
These are the kind of thoughts romantic relationships
engender. Then comes the reality which is most
often not the same as our fantasies.

We may get involved with a girl in AA or such but
because of our inability to be close to someone
without feeling anxiety the relationship may end
quickly after a whirlwind of romance and sex.

It is at this point when we begin to question
the process we have been following.
First thing we have to ask ourselves is
the big question, am I okay without a woman?
How long could I exist and be happy without a woman?
What if I never meet a woman that I can have
an easy and nurturing relationship with?
What if I do find a woman that seems healthy
and wants to get serious? Am I ready to stick
with one woman if it happens?
Am I feeling desperate for a woman, why?
Will they make me happy? What if they make
me unhappy, can I survive when they are
not totally loving or supportive?

At some point you will have to wonder if
you are wanting a woman just to make you
feel whole or if you feel whole enough to
be in a relationship that demands you
to be very giving, accepting, and to be
willing to give of yourself and your time
and likely your money to some degree.
This is alot of responsibility and
may not be all you hoped for.

The best relationships are those that develop
over time and without having alot of demands involved.
People by necessity have to be strong enough
emotionally to be alone before they can be
healthy in a close relationship.

If you try to seek wholeness through a
woman the desparation will always cause
problems. Better to work on building a
solid foundation as a single man
and then when you are least interested
in a woman you may attract the best
woman you ever had. The desire for a woman
is natural but the obscessive desire is not.

Meet women as people, as friends, learn
to avoid the women that make you feel
afraid and highly attracted. These are
the ones that are like a drug to us.

The extreme attraction you might feel
to some women is more related to the high
that an addiction has. We know what addiction
can do, it destroys us.

We need to learn slower, gentler relating.
No craving, no obsessing, no desperation.
Anytime you feel overwhelmed with your
desire for a relationship, it is your old
enemy fear raising it's head again.

You have nothing to fear, your wholeness
will build as you stay sober and examine
your thoughts, feelings and reactions.
The stronger emotionally you become the better women you
will attract and keep in your life.

We have to learn to slow down and let go of
manipulating life so much. Everything we
really need will come to us in time.

This is letting go of self-will which
has us rushing into everything we thought
we missed. Let people come into your life
and leave as they may need. At some point
in your sobriety you will see how much
you really have already and then you will
start to share that with others.
This will bring you more returns in all
the areas of your life.

Take care,
Druideck

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