Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 4/30/2011

Question
My best friend has recently enrolled herself in AA.  We have been best friends the past 16 years, she is a wonderful person and friend, our families have been through a lot together, we have been through a lot together, divorces, deaths, unhappy marriage, etc.  She comes from an alcoholic background.  We always drank wine, got crazy on Mexcal in Mexico, had fun, about 5 years ago that all seemed to change.  She started cheating on her husband terribly, her personality started changing, she became mean at times and unreasonable when she was drinking and then it seemed to be when she didn't drink.  She would drink and drive her kids, others kids, she did horrible things to me and then she would cry because she felt so bad.  After a horrible year of things really spinning out of control, she messed with my lively hood.  In the end she knew she was wrong and what she did was awful.  We had many conversations over the past year relating to the fact that I think she has an issue with alcohol and that she is skating on thin ice and that I am afraid for her.  The last draw was the work thing.  I sat her down and I was brutal, I told her this was the last time I was going to have this conversation with her so she had best brace herself because it is going to be harsh and  that I know longer had the energy to deal with this friend, if she got help I would have all the energy in the world.  I gave it to her brutal and honest, told her things that I am sure were devastating about her behavior, what her children say, what my children say, what other friends children say, what friends say, her inappropriate behavior towards men, how embarrassing she is for her children, for me.  And to once and for all stop telling me she is barely hanging on, either jump or start climbing up.
She came to me after this, she cried, I felt terrible, but I had to I was scared and I know she knows it comes for love.
She is sober about 70 days now and the lovely friend that I adored is back.  The problem is for me now is that during this time I realized I lost respect for her, I didn't like her anymore because she was mean and selfish and did horrible things (always remorseful, but she did them nonetheless), cheated, lied, etc.  It got to the point that I lost my energy and when I would see her I was almost disappointed.  I am so proud of her now, but for me I still see the face of that friend that for the past five years has hurt me beyond belief and done things that are so disregarding to me, to her family.  How do I get through this.  I feel terrible for how I feel, I see her and I don't trust anything and I feel angry and then I feel ugly for feeling angry and then I just want to cry and I do.  I'm left with the last five hears of her and I don't know how to let go of that.  We don't talk about all those things, we only talk a little about the program and how good and different she feels.  I am sure she can feel, read it on my face.  I don't know how to heal from these past years.  Do you have any guidance?

Answer
Dear Laurie

Time heals all wounds. There is nothing wrong with your doubt and fear, it is natural to feel that way after experiencing your pain. Trust has to be rebuilt, which takes time. All you have to do is be willing to rebuild your friendship and love will do the rest. Good luck.