Expert: Clyde - 4/29/2011

Question
Hi Clyde,
I had been dating a man for some time and all was hearts and flowers wonderful until suddenly he reveals to me that he has a drinking problem.  I really rarely drink and have had no real experience with alcoholism so I was unaware of all the behaviors that are attached to the disease. Slowly he began to pull away and I felt confused and unsteady by his "illusive" behavior. I started to feel anxious and insecure but never could figure out what was wrong. Then he says that he is going to stay away and can't be with me because he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me or change me.  Poof!! Gone!! No more explanation than that.  His health is declining and he seems to have just detached completely as if I don't exist and never did. Even to the point of being hurtful and not responding to my texts or inquiries as to how he is.  I feel horribly fooled and foolish and really confused about my own lack of being able to let go just like that. He seems to move from relationship to relationship now very quickly. I worry about him and pray for him and miss his friendship. He however seems to prefer misery and the destruction of his life.  I am consumed by this and i don't understand why(except that I love him)

Answer
Beth,
   Thank you for your message and questions about confusion.  You indicate you love this fellow - and that is the rub!  When one loves, one hurts when it is removed.  The degree to which one hurts is a measure of the degree to which one loves.  The consuming nature of this will subside as you work through the grief of this loss (or impending loss).  You are caught in the muddy and muddled space known as ambivalence - do I love him hate him, am I angry, hurt, sad, worried, nervous, anxious, etc....  You are probably all of the above.

   So now, what to do?  Well, this loss is not about him at the moment - it is about you.  We will deal with him later but for now, just know that your emotions are normal and you are not going crazy.  It is good ole' grief at work.  There are four primary stages - denial (this is not happening and it will go away because it is all a bad dream_; bargaining (please, God, if you will bring back so and so or do this for me, I'll do this or that or I'll never ever again do so and so..); anger (yes this is happening and I do not like it one bit and I am mad at the man, the world, the situation, the this and that, I may even be angry with God!); and acceptance (I have now worked through all my emotions and my feelings and have pursued the possibilities (good and bad) and they are OK and I am OK and now I move on to where God would have me be.)  These sound easy enough and they are not complicated in words but doing them is hard work and difficult to master.

   I would suggest to you a little book by Colgrove titled "How to Survive the Loss of a Love."  It is by far the best grief book around when relationships are ending or in trouble.  It is not a long read - as a matter of fact, the daily readings are very short and very insightful.  You can stay on a page as long as you feel necessary and even back up before going forward.

   I hope this may be helpful for you to hear.

   Now, for the alcoholic...There are just too many possibilities for where he may be in his head.  From what you say I assume he is still drinking and that is not a good sign to continue this relationship - at least the way it was going.  He must come to grips with the drinking and decide he wants to live another way.  Until then, you have a person who does not know who they really are.  Alcoholism robs a person of their "real" self and often replaces that real self with a "false" self.  So much so that the real does not know how to function.  He may truly love you but be in so much fear because he truly doubts that he can be in relationship honestly.  SO, this is a dilemma that he must face and it is best faced alone so he can decide what is more important - booze or you.  Right now I suggest that the booze and alcoholic behavior is winning out.

   I also hope this may have helped give you some idea of the nature of the disease.

   Write again if I may be of any further assistance.  I will keep you and he in my prayers.


Grace and Peace,
Clyde